Condescending Conversation?

[blogster]

This thread follows a night with two friends at a local bar watching the football.

One of these friends I've just started to get to know.  She is shall we say, 'verbose' and is able to release witty retorts at the snap of her fingers. 

As you would know, as an introvert, my energy for this drains after about half an hour.  Throw in the noise of music, the TV and other people at the bar and I can not keep up with the conversation.

A couple of times she and my other friend throw casual banter my way and because I am slow to process and respond, assume I take it personally.

At this point I can clearly see a change to her approach - she now turns to asking basic questions to me to make me feel 'included' - "where were you born?", "do you have brothers and sisters?" etc. 

It all feels incredibly condescending and to me comes across as someone who sees me as socially inept and is trying to make me feel better and included.

However inaccurate their assumption, I can see how it happens. 

Question is, is there a way of dealing with it to let them know you're not a complete idiot, without being seen to be overly precious about it?

[Tripod]

The number of people who, after five minutes of conversing, figure that I am slow or maybe even 'special' and sometimes a bitch, is endless. I have just given up. Generally I find that people believe what they want to believe and deal with you in whatever way they would want to be dealt with and I haven't got the energy to figure out how to convince them otherwise or to show them the best way to communicate with me.

Maybe you could take the person aside and say you noticed there's been a change in her conversations with you and you were wondering why. Sometimes people get flustered or embarrassed when you do things like that - she might not realize you have a brain or a personality.

If it was me I wouldn't care, I'd just stop hanging out with that person. But then I am kind of socially inept.

[FallenofTrack]

Personally, I have always been annoyed by the witty banter type.  A lot of them think that they are so "cool" and even "cute" because they are so witty and socially adept, but it really just annoys the heck out of me. I used to care that they found me to be slow because I didn't participate in it, but I really don't care anymore.  If they see me as "slow" for not being quick enough to respond or for not responding at all, well that's just that.  I actually called a person out on that behavior once, and after that, she stopped using those one liners on me.   See, she thought of herself as being so witty and quick with the jokes, but I just saw her as a pain in the arse and when I called her out on it, she knew that I knew what she was doing.  

[Alex]

Not sure what to think, but introverts can be incredibly(and I mean incredibly!) quiet. Sometimes you are tempted to put a bell around their neck just to notice them. Speaking for myself, I guess the issue is that it is very difficult for me to talk about something that doesn't interest me - the kind of talk extroverts often have, I tend to zone out from after say 30 min just like you. However, it doesn't mean that I am unhappy or ill at ease per se - I am happy just to sit quietly and listen in, but like you I assume, I'm like - just leave me alone, I was fine until you started bothering me.

As I can be quite articulate in other settings, I am sure this silence comes as across as very puzzling to many extroverts though - but, give me a topic I am interested in, it could be for example music and I can go on and on talking. I like to discuss more intellectual subjetcs, say, I could comment on some recent current event - If I am with a fellow introvert we begin a pleasant and lively conversation - if I try the same with an extrovert, usually I get a blank stare.

As the line from a famous country song goes, 'Sometimes it's hard to be an introvert'... ;-)

[radames]

I suppose that I am very used to not talking much when in social situations even with my new relatives that they don't expect me to say much.  That is, when I am talking with adults who are my age or a little younger, then I don't have much to say, but with little children or even very old people I have plenty to say and feel the most comfortable.

[newmom2008]

The number of people who, after five minutes of conversing, figure that I am slow or maybe even 'special' and sometimes a bitch, is endless. I have just given up.

Same here. If they like me, great; if not, then c'est la vie.

[newmom2008]

At this point I can clearly see a change to her approach - she now turns to asking basic questions to me to make me feel 'included' - "where were you born?", "do you have brothers and sisters?" etc. 

It all feels incredibly condescending and to me comes across as someone who sees me as socially inept and is trying to make me feel better and included.

[/i]

Personally, although its condescending, I'd rather someone use this approach, than whine to me about how "quiet" I am. It would be the lesser of two evils.

Although patronizing behavior is annoying, yes. It can indicate a lack of respect. I used to be sorta friends with a woman who would give me compliments all the time, not genuine compliments. It was like she thought I had a low self esteem and 'needed' to hear these things from someone. As though I were some weak, pathetic person. I couldn't stand her condescension. I never discussed it with her. I just avoid her now at all costs. But if I had reached the breaking point, I would have had a little chat with her. I would have said: "look, I don't need to hear these things from you. My self esteem is perfectly fine and frankly, I find your comments patronizing. Let it go."

[radames]

I would rather people keep it simple with me than start up a conversation and just annoy the crap out of me.  Pretty much I have no interest in talking with anyone unless they stimulate some subject that holds my interest for the duration of the conversation.  If they try to chat any longer it just delays the inevitable of there being no possible future friendship with the person because I will just find something that annoys me about the person and will block them out of my life until I feel safe.

This can be frustrating because only after a short period of time away from the person, due to my own terms of solitude, I don't feel so bad around them anymore.  On the other hand, if they held any grudges then I would lose another association with a person (which I wouldn't mind !).

[newmom2008]

I would rather people keep it simple with me than start up a conversation and just annoy the crap out of me.  Pretty much I have no interest in talking with anyone unless they stimulate some subject that holds my interest for the duration of the conversation.  If they try to chat any longer it just delays the inevitable of there being no possible future friendship with the person because I will just find something that annoys me about the person and will block them out of my life until I feel safe.

Some people in my yoga class were talking the other day, about one of the other students who has turned them off by "talking too much". Apparently, it eventually caused a breakdown in their relationship with her and they started excluding her from things, events that were going on at the yoga center. So, the chatty person has quit coming to the classes and they just don't see her anymore.

I had met this chatty person a couple of times, briefly. She did seem to talk a lot (especially about herself), but I suppose the other people got tired of listening to her. Her behavior, sadly, has alienated everyone there.

[radames]

There always seems to be an undeniable awkwardness that is created after things like this happen.  If people would only realize this then situations may not get as ugly.  For example, if someone says something that is greatly insulting with no intent to execute tact with their words then that person is at the mercy of that person to whom the insult was directed. 

Even if the person shows remorse that such an insult was uttered, it will forever change the future interactions of the "victim" and the "instigator" (at least, this is what happens with me).  I am unable to trust that person anymore, in fact I have pretty much "blackballed" that person and any future interaction is much more faked than usual. 

With other people who aren't as idiotic as those who recklessly hurl insults and criticisms I may have shown a bit more warmth and cordiality, yet not so with these "social imps."  Any and all future conversations with that person, mostly accidental unless some business transaction needs to be performed, will be completely emotionless and as short as possible. 

It is a pitiful sight for the other person because they are trying as hard as they can to win you back into their good graces but they are simply digging their own graves.  If we, as highly sensitive innies, were insane, maybe we would put even more trust in that kind of person to not make another mistake and say something hurtful once again and cause us to relive the whole nightmare, yet I think that most innies are very, very, very cautious and wouldn't even come close to trusting anyone this dangerous even at first meeting.

I think that it is always wise to leave people wanting more of your perspective and time rather than making them wish they didn't have what they had of these in the first place.