What is it that we introverts really want?

[Alex]

YesyouSaid ;-), interesting observation. You are probably right in that introverts do not have excluse rights to being very private, but I am wondering whether it might not be something else with regards to extroverts- What I often find frustrating with (many)extroverts is a certain lack of 'self'. It's like there is no deep grounded personality and it is subject to whim. In that sense I agree that it can be hard to know what really make extroverts tick - because for some there seem to be no core - instead it changes very often according to whichever way the wind blows. Perhaps it is not the best example, but I can't think of anything now - but say you have an extrovert who has to explain what music he/she likes. One day it might be Justin Timberlake - the next day Janet Jackson(seemingly to who ever is most in vogue).

The same applies for being part of a group - (some) extroverts tend to cherish being part and strongly identify themselves with a group - it is a comfort to them that they

Some years ago a movie was made about Peter Sellers of The Pink Panther fame - and the theme of the movie was that he(Sellers) would completely immerse himself in his roles, because he didn't have any strong sense of self - Nobody knew him(and most likely he didn't know himself very well either) - so, he remained an enigma to people. I often feel the same with many extroverts - they become very hard to know on a deep level - or in other words, they seem very superficial and lacking in a strong sense of self(unlike introverts). To come back to being private though, I do tend to think still though that introverts are very private - I hear extroverts brag about all the people they've had sex with for example or happily share the sordid details of recent endeavors, that is something I find hard to imagine (most) introverts would.

[FallenofTrack]

I think introverts by definition just are very private people and having to divulge private matters very often just feels like a violation

This may be true for many, or even most introverts - but strangely enough, it's not true for me.  I will happily answer almost anything, even questions about the most 'private' topics.  I'm not easily offended, I guess, and I like to answer questions (especially when I know the answer!  ). 

I almost wonder if introversion and 'privateness' are really two separate things, it's just that you often see them together. 

I can actually think of a lot of extroverts that I know very little about - because they never open up about anything 'private' or real.  I can feel very excluded because of this. 

I guess for me, I like to feel included, and I like to have deep conversations (as opposed to lots of small talk), so it follows that what I'll want to talk about are in-depth topics, which often means topics that many people feel are 'private'.  If I'm going to get to know you, really know you, I need to know these things about you, and I want you to really know me, so I'm happy to share these things about myself.

I actually go both ways on this.  I can be very private and not open up, especially around certain people that I don't feel comfortable sharing much with.  But then with other people, I am almost a completely open book, sharing many things about myself, even things that others might deem too private to share.  Sometimes I really just don't care.  If I feel like I am really connecting with someone, I just might reveal some things about myself that I otherwise wouldn't have, without feeling vulnerable or guilty, after the fact. Usually, I am less gaurded around people whom I know will keep things to themselves and seem to have a sense of discretion in terms of keeping what is said to them just to themselves.  But If I find that someone I have told something too, is going off and sharing that info with everyone else, then that person will no longer be privvy to any meaningful info.

[yesIsaid]

I hear extroverts brag about all the people they've had sex with for example or happily share the sordid details of recent endeavors, that is something I find hard to imagine (most) introverts would.

Heh.  Well, it's not like I shout it from the rooftops, but honestly, if I've connected with you on any level whatsoever, and it's something about which I feel you have a genuine curiosity/interest (vs. say, with an aim to point and laugh), I'd have no problem discussing my sex life.  If the discussion topic is, let's say, 'how kinky have you gotten?', I'd have zero problem jumping right in.  I find the topic interesting, and I have nothing to hide.  I also think that most people would be better off not keeping secrets - especially secrets for the sake of secrets.  They do damage, and prevent closeness and community, I feel. 

Now, this doesn't mean I'd walk up to a perfect stranger and say 'hey, guess what I did last night!'      But if someone's being honest with me, I've got no qualms about being honest with them, no matter the topic.  Mental illness in the family, legal troubles, salaries - you name it, I'm fine with it.  I don't see the benefit in 'hiding' it, when what I really want is to be close to people on a personal level, and being withholding doesn't further that goal.

[Alex]

I actually go both ways on this. 

FOT, I feel compelled to ask you a nosy question which you can then choose to answer or not :-). However it is something I have been dying to know ;-) The picture in your profile, is that somebody famous? It looks like somebody from the 1960s and seems vaguely familiar but, I can't place it. Is it Art Garfunkel?

[FallenofTrack]

I actually go both ways on this.

FOT, I feel compelled to ask you a nosy question which you can then choose to answer or not :-). However it is something I have been dying to know ;-) The picture in your profile, is that somebody famous? It looks like somebody from the 1960s and seems vaguely familiar but, I can't place it. Is it Art Garfunkel?

Hey Alex, it's the one and only James Dean. I know it isn't all that clear, but I like black and white photos.  

[Alex]

@FOT, aaarh - I would never have guessed. I thought it was some beat poet :-) Thanks !

[Scylla]

Hoping not to be redundant, or stepping on toes...

In my family all of us, siblings and parents, are/were introverts. As such we shared a love of peace and quiet, privacy, serious conversation, etc. At the same time, some of us were extremely shy and never were able to develop friendships or enjoy any sort of social life. I am the exception. I am a deep introvert, but I was not at all shy as a small child. I am posting because I have wondered if there was other, unrelated-to-introversion, problems among my brothers and sisters, those of Social Anxiety Disorder and low self-esteem.

As I understand introversion, it comes from having a physiologically different structure/method of information management in the brain. It also comes from sensitivity to different neurotransmitters, so that we respond to calm, not to excitement. This is all physical. Shyness it seems to me is learned behavior, not biological. Low self esteem is also a learned behavior. I think both shyness and low self esteem are learned behaviors we acquire as introverts because of being processed by an educational system that has only recognized and rewarded extrovert behavior.

Grade school for me was hell. Teachers could tell I was bright (art talent and good language skills), and so they assumed when I couldn't learn certain things I was either lazy or being rebellious, and disciplined me accordingly. I didn't know that the methods of teaching were exactly the ones that wouldn't work for someone with slower brain circuits, so I began to think I must be stupid...no one else had these problems. I withdrew to avoid being punished, being laughed at by other students, etc. Long story short, I wound up in therapy for a lot of years trying to regain self-esteem lost through "education". Thanks to Marti, I've also learned to understand and appreciate my differences as an introvert.

What I want to say, is please, friends, don't hate being an introvert. An introvert brain is a wonderful thing to have. That good brain isn't what is keeping you from making good connections with others. Self esteem and shyness are more likely the trouble. Self esteem can be learned, and Social Anxiety can be unlearned. It is hard work to make these changes, but worth every tear.

I am still an introvert. I still prefer peace and quiet, one or two truly close friends, and need tons of down time. But I can choose to be social if it serves me. Being able to be social has allowed me to find and connect with the few introverts in every crowd...now that is fun!

Respectfully, Scylla

[Alex]

Now, this doesn't mean I'd walk up to a perfect stranger and say 'hey, guess what I did last night!'      But if someone's being honest with me, I've got no qualms about being honest with them, no matter the topic.  Mental illness in the family, legal troubles, salaries - you name it, I'm fine with it.  I don't see the benefit in 'hiding' it, when what I really want is to be close to people on a personal level, and being withholding doesn't further that goal.

Nothing wrong with that, but I still think that is quite unusual for an introvert though

[Alex]

What is it that we introverts really want?

I find being an introvert crippling. I want to talk to someone or say something to someone and my jaw locks or my mind goes blank. At other times I start to say something and my mind starts racing with reasons not to say it or I imagine what the other people are going to say or do and I don't want them to do it or say what I imagine so I say nothing. I see someone I know at the store and my body turns the other way and tries to hide or run away from the person. I want to improve my career, business, and finances and all those things involve talking with other people and my mind and body shuts down or avoids the situation. I can't say that I get tired or run down but I do get tired of being around people. I read four books on introversion and numerous internet articles and they all say if you are born an introvert you are doomed to stay an introvert. All the books have work-arounds to be more successful, but myself, I'd like to have a new brain, one that didn't work against me. I know most of you on the forum love being introvert and don't desire to change, there I go again imagining I know what everyone is thinking, but I want to get rid of being an introvert. I guess I want a cure instead of a work-around. I'm the blind guy that says I don't want braille, a cane, and a seeing eye dog, I want my sight!

First of all I think it is a very good post you raise here - this forum is very support oriented and this easily makes being introverted painted into an overly rosy light which unless you live in the world of Peter Pan and Tinkerbell can be hard to truly internalize - so it is refreshing to discuss the 'dark side of introversion!'

You wrote ....but I want to get rid of being an introvert. I guess I want a cure instead of a work-around Well, the points and the issues you raise above and that you are struggling with are not necessarily limited to introverts. I agree that being introverted compounds it being hard to answer your feet, but that aside, extroverts can just as well experience the symptoms you describe. If you as you state want to get rid of being introverted has it struck you that you are at constant war with yourself. You are subconsciously trying to supress a thought, but that is never possible - just the act of trying to supress it makes you indirectly acknowledge that you possess it - and all that mental effort is exhausting as well which very well could explain your symptoms also- So why fight it - dont swim upstream, but rather let yourself float away with these feelings - I think once you do that you will be much more comfortable with your introversion and that will also make you more at ease amongst others. Keep in mind that many introverts are very often indistinguishable from extroverts - I recently told somebody, if you really knew me, you'd see that I am actcually quite introverted - she thought I was kidding... So what to do, take care of your own introverted needs, don't try to fight being introverted and keep in mind as so often raised there is a difference between being shy and being introverted(it is often misunderstood, but to give you the short version, David Letterman is introverted as was Johnny Carson(I think neither can be accused of being particularly shy) As for being cured, I think that will happen when you accept your introversion - you don't have to like it, but you need to accept it

[agreenbough]

Like a few other posters, I, too, can generally go both ways as far as either being pretty open with information about myself, or keeping information private. I'm usually more close-mouthed, but sometimes share quite a bit without feeling like I've revealed too much. But it's important to me, as someone brought up, that I feel secure that the person I'm sharing with won't spread my stuff to the four corners of the earth.
About ten years ago, I had some problems that my MIL helped me with, and I was very grateful to her, and felt like our relationship was about as good as it had ever been. Then a couple of months later, I got a card in the mail from some of her friends in another state, telling me they were aware of my trials and had had their curch pray for me. I felt supremely violated. Why did these people even know?? So that's one person I won't confide in ever again.
I guess what I really want is to just have to freedom to be who I am without being judged. For the need to be alone to not be suspect, but just a different way of being.