What is it that we introverts really want?

[Bodhi]

What is it that we introverts really want?

     I find being an introvert crippling. I want to talk to someone or say something to someone and my jaw locks or my mind goes blank. At other times I start to say something and my mind starts racing with reasons not to say it or I imagine what the other people are going to say or do and I don't want them to do it or say what I imagine so I say nothing. I see someone I know at the store and my body turns the other way and tries to hide or run away from the person. I want to improve my career, business, and finances and all those things involve talking with other people and my mind and body shuts down or avoids the situation. I can't say that I get tired or run down but I do get tired of being around people. I read four books on introversion and numerous internet articles and they all say if you are born an introvert you are doomed to stay an introvert. All the books have work-arounds to be more successful, but myself, I'd like to have a new brain, one that didn't work against me. I know most of you on the forum love being introvert and don't desire to change, there I go again imagining I know what everyone is thinking, but I want to get rid of being an introvert. I guess I want a cure instead of a work-around. I'm the blind guy that says I don't want braille, a cane, and a seeing eye dog, I want my sight!

[newmom2008]

What is it that we introverts really want?

     I find being an introvert crippling. I want to talk to someone or say something to someone and my jaw locks or my mind goes blank. At other times I start to say something and my mind starts racing with reasons not to say it or I imagine what the other people are going to say or do and I don't want them to do it or say what I imagine so I say nothing. I see someone I know at the store and my body turns the other way and tries to hide or run away from the person. I want to improve my career, business, and finances and all those things involve talking with other people and my mind and body shuts down or avoids the situation.

I can identify with all that. I still have NO idea why, when I see someone I know in a public place, that I want to run and hide. I experienced this recently. This part of your post just reached out and grabbed me. Also,I have had the "blank mind,locked jaw" when trying to converse with someone. I had this worse when I was younger. Its improved slightly.

I often feel I would have had more career success if I had been less introverted. After job interviews, I've been told I was too shy for the job, or did not seem energetic enough. These were all jobs that I badly wanted, that would have been a great springboard for a career. Most employers don't seem to want introverts, at all.

[Tripod]

In a nutshell: I want to be able to have easy conversations with people and not feel like I'm driving them away because I don't talk enough or because I'm awkward in social situations and I can't read social cues in the nano second it seems to take extroverts.

[Margee]

Bodhi -  

What a great topic! Thanks for posting it!!  I could write forever on this one!!

  What I found my problem to be on my journey to learning about me, was 'low self-esteem'. It sounds to me as if you may suffer some of the same things I did to a degree. Only you can know that for sure. (and of course - I could be wrong)

 My problem throughout my whole life was low self esteem. I had to learn change my  attitude towards my own personality.I didn't really know who I was when I was growing up. I did the typical things that one does to fit in. I knew how to be as loud as any extrovert, so I grew up thinking I had this totally 'outgoing' personality. I still do to a degree. I classify myself as a 'outgoing introvert' because I am not shy. But I do need continually to recover from any noise. drama, people or confusion. Extroverts and  introverts  both can suffer from  low self esteem.This is one of the reasons I used to drink alcohol!

  Some of the classic signs of low self-esteem for me were: consistent anxiety and emotional turmoil, always accentuating the negative, unable to accept compliments, overly concerned about what others think, didn't trust my own opinions, constantly depressed, socially withdrawn, self-neglect, eating disorders,i drank alcohol to cover up my insecurities,I was unable to take on challenges, always quitting and resigning, controlling, needy, success driven but kept sabotaging myself, came across arrogant at times, extremely self-defensive (someone who retaliates far worse than what would normally be expected), exaggerated perfectionism, and a constant need for validation and recognition.

 I had a thirst for validation, and recognition.  I  felt worthless, and  completely helpless to do anything to make my life better. I always felt defeated. I was also a control freak and I thought I had the ability  to change other people for the better. I was always in the habit of dwelling on my short-comings and thinking I was  less than other people. I was constantly seeking approval from others. I never felt satisfied until I knew that I  had gotten approval or reassurance from other people. I was 'needy'. I was always apologizing, taking the blame for things that were not my fault. I always focused on my flaws and saw every little imperfection in myself. I forget to notice what was good in me!

 I clinged to the  familiar and was afraid to try new things. I talked myself out of doing things that might raise my own self-respect, such as returning to school or changing jobs, losing weight etc... (I am working on this!)

I was always expecting bad things to happen. I forgot to notice the good things that happen  on a daily basis.

I started to study 'low self esteem' and these were a few of the things I found that I needed to change.
 I had to start to think of how my different traits were strengths to me and then use them in positive ways.
I am trying to do what feels right for me, not what other's feel I am expected to do.
I had to  stop trying to be and say what I thought others wanted me to be and say.
Doing the things that deep down make me happy and  comfortable .
Being and accepting myself exactly the way I am.
I had to be open  and honest about my weaknesses, mistakes, and failures  and just start accepting them.

When I stopped looking to people for approval - everything started to change!! Even when I started to post here - I wondered if 'Margee' got on people's nerves ? I wondered if you guys would wish I would take a hike!! Well - it just doesn't matter much anymore to me! Margee's  posting anyway!!   I deserve to be here as much as anyone! I always want to be liked, (that's the human condition) but if I'm not by somebody - It doesn't 'throw' me the way it used to. God bless you and good luck on your journey to 'high self esteem'!! Sincerely, Margee

 good article: Accepting Your Introverted Traits
http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/accepting_your_introverted_traits

[yesIsaid]

I guess I want a cure instead of a work-around. I'm the blind guy that says I don't want braille, a cane, and a seeing eye dog, I want my sight!

I can so totally relate. 

I reached the point this week where - I'm just giving up.  For as long as I can stand it. 

What I hate is the hope.  The hope that *this time*, I won't screw up a social situation.  The hope that maybe, just maybe, I'll discover some career path that *fits*.  The hope that there's anyone out there who *really* understands how I think. 

I just screwed up enormously in an online situation - held an opinion that others didn't agree with - and I can't bring myself to apologize, because any apology I can think of means that somehow, in some way, I'm backing down from my opinion.  And I don't believe my opinion is wrong.  I've just realized that I'm unlikely to find anyone out there who shares the way I think about this topic (and the wider surrounding topic), so I'm giving up.

I've spent my entire life trying to find people that need me as much as I need them (and in similar ways).  I'm looking around, and there's no one, except my husband and kids.  So I've decided that hey - this is me.  I'm *not* someone who can navigate social interaction well.  I'm not someone who can express my thoughts the way I want, and feel I've been understood.  So rather than keep trying, and keep failing - I'm just going to narrow my social circle back down to my family.  I'm going to put my energy into them, and give that everything I've got, because I'm not getting what I want and need from my 'external' attempts anyway.

I just wish now that I could turn off the 'wanting' to be social.     I want it, but I fail, and I'm tired of the failure.  It doesn't make sense to keep trying, because - I'm not like other people.  I'm going to fail.  So what's the point?

[Margee]

Bodhi, Tripod, newmom2008, and yesIsaid -  none of us are 'failures' in any sense! Listen to this quote: Never be bullied into silence.  Never allow yourself to be made a victim.  Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself!  ~Harvey Fierstein

Successful people just don't give up. When they want something bad enough, they keep trying different approaches to achieving their outcomes until they finally get the results they want. Unsuccessful people try one thing that doesn't work and then give up. Often we will give up right when we are on the threshold of succeeding!    I constantly did this . I sabotaged always - right before 'the breakthrough'!

 Anyone who has the courage and awareness to step out, risk, and take the leap to create a passionate, meaningful life cannot be a failure -  in fact, it is actually a reflection of success. We're just different. We don't have the usual symbols of success. The only failure here would be to NOT be ourselves.We can't possibly be  failure's when we are exploring and living out who we are. Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again. Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again.  Failure and 'falling down' teaches us how to obtain success. Please, Don't quit before the miracle could happen!! Let's stop being so hard on ourselves! As Susan Jeffers says, 'feel the fear of it ,and do it anyway'.

The old saying goes like this: The only real failure in life is the failure to get back in the game and keep trying.   "If at first you don't succeed...try, try, again"

You guys are wonderful - even as you are!!  

Quote: If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise.  ~Johann von Goethe
Sincerely, Margee

[Derek]

Hi all!  Well this is quite a discussion. i like it. I am trying as an introvert to just accept the skills and talents I have and make the best of them. I already accepted the things I'm not that good at. if someone says, you're not a big talker, I say yeah that's right, but i'm real talented in other areas.    I try now to make light of it. you just got to accept yourself the way you are right now.

 That dosn't mean that I don't try to refine things I want to get better at.
Everybody has unique talents. I've learned that it's okay to be different. Some talk a lot and some don't. That doesn't mean us quiet ones are dumbo's. I can't run a mile at incredible speeds or perform complicated scientific experiments but I can be loving and kind. Maybe  some of those people who do great at sports are nasty and mean. I'd rather be nice.(and quiet)

Someone once said the problems we have are just opportunities with work clothes on. Another good saying I like is ,'What lengths are you willing to go, to change the things in your life that you don't like?' I agree with Margee, if you keep trying and don't give up, you will reap the benifits of the changes you are after.  If you fall down, get up. there are 1000 peices in a jigsaw puzzle and evrey peice is different. If we don't fight against the other peices, it will all make a nice picture in the end. Just my opinion of course.                               Derek

[Stephanie]

Acceptance as I am.

[Sameer]

Posted by: Stephanie
Acceptance as I am.

Same here..

Posted by: Bodhi     
What is it that we introverts really want?

I cant get this ----  What is it that we introverts really want?
I mean.....Every Human being need what they want.....That got nothing to do with character.

I understand that you afraid in public...so on.....
Actually..the different thing is....not all Introverts are same...and not all Extroverts are same.
 For example.........Some introverts afraid to go in public...and some introverts are shy.. Im not shy and i dont afraid in public. I just dont socialize much.I dont like.
    Some extroverts are talkative. Not all extroverts are so talkative.Many extroverts have bunch of friends. Some extroverts talks with all but will keep less friends. Some extroverts make fun of introverts which i dont like.
   I dont have any problem surrounded by extroverts, bcoz im a strong introvert.  I appear as silent...but if anyone makes fun of me directly..then i talk. I shut their mouth. Actually i never had problems like that. Not all extroverts make fun of introverts. Some extroverts know about introverts, they understand. They wont interfere.

 I have bad career. It is not because im an introvert. I didnt joined the field which i had interest. It was because of some family problems. But i understand that some Introverts have problem with career because of their character including you as u said. Some Introverts want to be extroverts.They need help. You are one of them.

 There is another character called Ambivert.....the mix of both Introvert and Extrovert......These people sometimes socialize well and sometimes they dont.

I read four books on introversion and numerous internet articles and they all say if you are born an introvert you are doomed to stay an introvert.

This is too much.....
Those guys who mentioned it are extreme extroverts who don't understand the Introvert character.There ain't no way that all people in this world can be an extrovert.People will have different characters only.That is Nature.
     There are Introverts who have good career. Many Introverts have good talent. Everyone has a talent.

[Stephanie]

Some Introverts want to be extroverts.They need help. You are one of them.

I don't want to be an extrovert, but would rather prefer that most people became introverts.  There is entirely too much extroverted talking going on with nothing being said. I find the majority of extroverts boring.  They're just running their mouth because that's what they do.

There ain't no way that all people in this world can be an extrovert.

I have read that nearly half the people are introverts. (statistic from "Introvert Power" by Helgoe)  It doesn't seem that way to me, but that is the claim.

I reached the point this week where - I'm just giving up.

Ya, me too...I'm tired of trying and failing.

[Introvert Zone]

Oh boy - I've tried and tried to decide what I really want from the world.  I wrote this post http://introvertzone.com/how-introverted-do-i-want-my-life-to-be on my blog and got a lot of reader comments, but it's still so hard to pinpoint.  Do I want to be left alone and never have the phone ringing all the time or coworkers sticking their heads in, "to say hello" when I really want to be alone?  Or would I rather be invited to everything and have everyone try to approach me, then have to tell them no all the time? 

What I'd secretly (unfairly) been wishing for was to have everyone like me and consider me nice and fun and want to be with me, but to leave me totally alone when I just don't want to see anyone.  For this they'd need to be mind readers... well, a girl can dream can't she?   

[Nannycat]

This is a great topic to discuss. I like all people but I don't want to be around people all the time. If their conversations are boring me, I just try to respect and listen to them and get away as soon as I can!

 I am like introvert zone, I want to choose how I would like to 'work' my life.
As Margee said and I agree with the low self esteem issues, because this is one area of my life that I have suffered. As I work on my confidence  and I accept myself without the need of all the approval, I feel much better. I no longer feel that I am the 'failure' that I used to feel I was.   Yes, Loud people may be heard better, but I am finding that less aggressive, confident people can get heard also, and this is who I want to become.  I think confidence is the key.

[shelby]

Well, what I really want is the right to privacy and for people not to stick their nose in my business. I really hate people prying into my personal life especially...and unfortunately I work in an office with a bunch of female gossip types, and have a nosy family who likes to stick their nose in things. I am just tougher than  I used to be, and refuse to give in. If people ask me nosy personal questions, I just respond with a "no comment" type of answer, or if I feel it's out of line, politely say I like to keep my private life private..period. This is my biggest hardship of being introverted.

[Alex]

Shelby, I also dislike talking about myself. Deeply personal questions especially make me cringe - To give an example, I have this trait which makes it hard to determine my heritage(and some people seem that is perfectly ok to want to guess or wonder out loud) which has meant that I've often had people ask intrusive questions about this. To me this is something very private and personal so it is something I really dislike to be quizzed about by total strangers especially and when it does occur it just makes me cringe - and I guess also resulted in that it has made me distance myself from people.

So this is one particular burden that I have to bear, but that aside, just questions also about my personal life is something I really don't like to discuss very much. I think introverts by definition just are very private people and having to divulge private matters very often just feels like a violation - It is hard to say why, but I guess introverts have their own calm inner world and just don't like anybody(especially strangers) to enter that

[yesIsaid]

I think introverts by definition just are very private people and having to divulge private matters very often just feels like a violation

This may be true for many, or even most introverts - but strangely enough, it's not true for me.  I will happily answer almost anything, even questions about the most 'private' topics.  I'm not easily offended, I guess, and I like to answer questions (especially when I know the answer!  ). 

I almost wonder if introversion and 'privateness' are really two separate things, it's just that you often see them together. 

I can actually think of a lot of extroverts that I know very little about - because they never open up about anything 'private' or real.  I can feel very excluded because of this. 

I guess for me, I like to feel included, and I like to have deep conversations (as opposed to lots of small talk), so it follows that what I'll want to talk about are in-depth topics, which often means topics that many people feel are 'private'.  If I'm going to get to know you, really know you, I need to know these things about you, and I want you to really know me, so I'm happy to share these things about myself.