Here's a good discussion!

[Alex]

And it's hard  to let go because when you have been told something for so long, it becomes part of your DNA. So a part of the quilt I feel could be because I still am believing what 'they' told me. Is that what you are saying in a nutshell? If it is, I like it.

Short version :-), yes, that that was my point

[Margee]

Alex - this is fantastic! That is a wonderful explanation! I really relate to a lot that Derek is asking.

 Can I ask a question from your point of view? You remind us of these important points:

"When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion.(good quote!)

And....... So, if I conduct a friendly act, I do it not because I feel obliged to, but because I want to, it makes me feel good and because I believe I am friendly by nature (and admire this quality in others) - and my reward is the happiness of the recipient and that I feel I am making the world a better place by being friendly. "

What about if one feels obliged to visit the sick, take care of the elderly, do favors for family, etc....... (in other words -you really 'should' do these things, because this makes you 'good' to other's) and yet one does it with resentment in their heart? And then - when one 'forces' themselves to do these kind acts, one feels good after?

How can one learn to do these 'things' without resentment in their heart ? This has always been a dilemma for me.  I can really relate to Derek when he says he does it when it benefits him. How does one learn to do these good deeds even when there is no benefit? Maybe, we are just tired?

Sincerely, Margee

[Alex]

Thank you Margee :-)

To answer your question, well it is hard. Let's say that I had a relative who was sick and elderly, then I would visit him/her even if it felt like a burden if I felt a sense of obligation due to our past history Eg. if I feel they are good people deserving of such attention due to what they had done for me in the past, yes then I would go. But, let's say that if the person had been violent or abusive to me, then I probably would not go. I might go to the funeral, because it would be strange not to and because I believe in and support the idea of family(and my resentment would have to be incredibly deep and justified if I chose not to go).

I think also there is a difference between say a past bad history and if you sense that the person has genuinely changed and is not engaging in the same bad behaviour anymore. It depends of course what occured, I think there is a difference between real abuse and what could be just plain bad behaviour. Anyhow, I believe in the ability to forgive - also so that you yourself can move on and not be burdened by the past - as well as stated before, I do believe in and support the institution of family which means that sometimes you have to do something even if you don't feel like it - eg. like staying at home and babysitting your children even if you'd rather do something else.

As for resentment, well I think this depends on the situation. If you really do feel obliged to do these services because of a shared history, then I imagine the resentment will be temporary, but you will feel better about going than if you chose not too  afterwards. Sometimes life is such that you just can't do what is the easiest and most comfortable(in fact if that was your basis for the choice, I think you would feel worse). But, as with so many things, it depends. Let's say that you feel somebody is taking advantage of your good heart, then I think any resentment is justified and you can draw a line. A good example is for example you lend a(lazy) relative money and despite their deep assurances they do nothing to pay your back or change the underlying behaviour that caused them to end up in that situation - I would in such a case choose to cut off the generosity - and only reserve it when I really feel there is a desperate situation(and even then I would evaluate the situation very closely, some people only learn the hard way). In short, I think charity provided to others should be genuine(and I think we have a barometer within ourselves that can gauge that by the level of resentment we feel afterwards). Also keep in mind, there is a saying which goes, it is more important to feel respected than to be liked

I hope this answers your question

[Margee]

Alex - I just knew that this would be your answer! Are you like 90 years old with all this wisdom? Just joking!  I find you to be so wise. Where did you get all this wisdom? I am not joking?! Where, where, where - I want some of this wisdom!!

This statement sticks out to me: "even if it felt like a burden if I felt a sense of obligation due to our past history Eg. if I feel they are good people deserving of such attention due to what they had done for me in the past, yes then I would go."

 This statement also sticks out to me: "then I imagine the resentment will be temporary, but you will feel better about going than if you chose not too  afterwards.  Sometimes life is such that you just can't do what is the easiest and most comfortable."

Does selfishness take over after one has lived for so long? This is what I find has happened to me. (I don't want to be this way!)    I used to do everything in my power to do that  which was required of a 'good' person when I was younger. Is it just that I am 'burnt out' or lazy or just want to move to the mountains? Is it the introversion that I have been unaware of my whole life and now I am tired of all these obligations?

You're an introvert, and yet  - you sound to me as if you have lots of energy for all this 'outside stimuli'. Is it because you 'charged your batteries'? Thank you so much for the time you take to help people on this forum. I  can guarantee you that I appreciate it very much.

Off to visit my 89 year old mother-in-law! (with ice-cream!) Sincerely, Margee

[Alex]

Aaaw thanks Margee :-) Well, I guess I read a lot. I also think I know myself very well now which I think is key to understanding others. Finally I think I also tend to not accept conventional wisdom per se, but try to think it through and see to where I get to doing that :-)

Anyhow, to comment on your points I guess what you may be feeling is what is sometimes termed 'Caretakers fatigue'. I think it is important to keep in mind that it is easy to meet always meet other people's needs, but in the process you can easily come to neglect your own which then leads to burnout and resentment. I liked the example Scylla used earlier, eg. you need to ensure you get your own oxygen before you provide it to others - there is nothing bad in doing that and the positive deeds you then do afterwards are then perhaps more genuine, because they come from a real desire to help and do good, rather than out of a sense of obligation or feeling being 'forced' to.
 
So take care of yourself and try to always meet your own needs - it is very important for your own sense of wellbeing - You yourself are responsible for this and you are the only one who understand what works for you in this regard. Do not be so afraid to appear 'bad' in the eyes of others - most likely this will not be the result nor will it occur that you will be less liked - instead often you will be more respected and others will appreciate your gifts more as well as you will feel you have more surplus in yourlife with all the positive sideeffects this brings along both for yourself and others.

[Margee]

Once again - I say thank you Alex - from the bottom of my heart!

You hit it on the nose! ''Caretakers fatigue''

And again - you hit it on the nose! "and try to always meet your own needs - it is very important for your own sense of wellbeing"

Lesson learned!
   ;

Very Content and happy Margee tonight!( and my mother-in law loved her ice-cream!)

Sincerely, Margee

[Alex]

Welcome :-)

[Derek]

hi all and thanks. (especially to Alex)

 Margee, you asked all the questions I was going to ask! Thanks!

 Every question I was gonna ask has been answered by this discussion. This has really helped me. Thanks so much for all the input! I'll read it all a few times.  Derek

[newmom2008]

Aaaw thanks Margee :-)

Anyhow, to comment on your points I guess what you may be feeling is what is sometimes termed 'Caretakers fatigue'. I think it is important to keep in mind that it is easy to meet always meet other people's needs, but in the process you can easily come to neglect your own which then leads to burnout and resentment.

Several years before I met my husband, I was involved with a man 20 years older, who was in very poor health. He had no job and no health insurance. He had an addiction to prescription painkillers and had chronic migraines, had also suffered a stroke. He moved in with me for a while, and I took care of him. I supported him financially, more or less. I became resentful and stressed out. I still cared about him but asked him to move out. I missed him after that. Several years later, I found out he died in a state-run hospice somewhere.