Guilty Introvert

[Margee]

Even though I re-read this article on  'Guilt and the Introvert' - I am having a  hard time fighting guilt today. The article for anyone interested:

http://behavioural-psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/dealing_with_introvert_guilt

I know I did my best today as I went to 'my girl's' baby shower, but it's just never good enough for me.I still want perfection from myself and I know that is impossible.

 It was supposed to be at 3 o'clock (that's the time it was supposed to start) and when I arrived promptly - they were still decorating for it so I knew I was in for a looooong baby shower. Only 4 other woman were there (I didn't know them) and I had to end up doing all this 'small talk' for an hour which I hate on the weekends, after talking all week long with so many women in the work I do as a hairdresser.

 They actually waited for the last person to arrive at 4:15 before they even started all the silly games one must play at these occasions.The loudness from all these woman  was incredible. They were  screaming above one another in conversation and I thought I was going to 'run'. BUT I stayed there and played all the games and tried to smile and laugh and be a really good sport.  'My girl' didn't even start to open all her presents until 5:15.

I asked her to please open mine first, because I had to leave to go and finish some weekend errands.  I know she probably understands. But I am the 'mother' of this girl and the  'Nana'  of this new baby.  Everybody else stayed and yet I left. I feel soooooooooooo guilty.I stayed 2 1/2 hours - why do I still feel this guilt??? I feel like a failure. Where is the line between taking care of yourself and selfishness?
Please - does anybody else suffer from this? Sincerely, Margee
 

[Scylla]

  of this new baby.  Everybody else stayed and yet I left. I feel soooooooooooo guilty.I stayed 2 1/2 hours - why do I still feel this guilt??? I feel like a failure. Where is the line between taking care of yourself and selfishness?
Please - does anybody else suffer from this? Sincerely, Margee
 

Here's a suggestion: take a piece of paper and write down, at length and in detail, how the other women would have benefited  if you had stayed til the "last dog died". What did you deprive them of?

Next, write down for yourself all the negative thoughts you have personally had about that individual (someone you know), when they left a gathering early. Did their early departure ruin your life, or did you even give it much though?

I find logic always helps me with guilt. Guilt hides under the bed or in the closet where its dark...daylight chases it right out of there! (smile)

Regards! Scylla

[newmom2008]

I always try to go to a party 10 or 15 minutes late. I have noticed people are often still setting up, and I do not like being the first guest to arrive. It makes me feel too conspicuous.

I think a shower should not last longer than 2  or 3 hours. I went to one baby shower a few years ago, and was there almost 5 hours. I feel that's way too long for a party. Yet, I felt kind of guilty when I left, everyone else was still there - after 5 hours!

Sometimes I just have to leave early. Gotta do stuff.

[Charlie]

Good discussion.  I am just now learning to deal with the guilt and not letting it prevent me from being assertive. 

[Margee]

This helps so much! Thank you all so much for your replys - I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart!  Sincerely, Margee

[JanZ]

Hi Margee,
I can relate to what you are saying.  Try not to feel guilty (easier said than done).  If an event is supposed to start at 3:00 and doesn't start until 4:15 I'm ready to go berzerk.  I like to show up on time and I expect others to do the same (silly me).  You do so much for 'your girl' and you are there for her when it really counts.

[agreenbough]

Margee, I've been to parties that were like the one you described - almost unbearable!! My husband has told me that he doesn't like the fact that we don't invite people over, but it seems there's always at least one person who doesn't know when to leave. And it's more stressful for me than for him, partly because he's an extrovert and a lot more social than me, and partly because he doesn't notice or care if the house is messy. So I knock myself out cleaning up, and then have to socialize for hours- - talk about torture!!!
I've almost become obsessed withour houseguest issue (he wants them, I'd rather chew foil) and I think it's largely that for me, having houseguests is like having a party that goes on for (in our case) WEEKS. I just can't do it anymore. There's a lot of guilt involved in this. I'm just not meant to be a host. I can't be what he wants me to be, and i'm too tired of it to try anymore.

[shelby]

I just can't do it anymore. There's a lot of guilt involved in this. I'm just not meant to be a host.

Exactly! I can totally relate to this...I have never ever liked playing hostess, and used to think there was something really wrong with me. When I was married, had the house, etc., it was expected that once in awhile, we'd host birthdays, holidays...and honestly, it made me miserable! I thought I was just being selfish, but it's just not me...and I think most innies would agree - it involves hosting people that normally stay way too long, housecleaning, cooking, cleaning up....now that I am single again, I live in my own apartment, and have not had to play host yet, and no plans to indefinitely...at least now I can use the excuse that my place is too small to host, plus I have to share a small driveway with the upstairs neighbours, so I really can't invite too many people over at once..it's on a busy street, and they can't park on the road.

Recently, a friend asked me to co-host a product party at my place, and I delightfully declined...using the above excuses...and it made me so happy, you have no idea! Life is short - why waste it being miserable?

[agreenbough]

It is wonderful having a valid excuse.... but one of the things I've noticed with my particular group of houseguests (my in-laws) is that, no matter what excuse I give, their response is, "That's okay, we don't mind." We were going out of town one weekend for a school related activity (in other words, not a vacation!), and when we got a call that the guests were coming, my husband actually told them no emphatically (the first time I ever heard him tell them no), and they still came, because they "didn't mind" that we weren't going to be there. (They then stayed for two weeks when we returned.) I've mused to myself that we could tell them both kids have the flu, the dog is sick, the washer and drier are broken, plumbing backed up, and no air conditioner, and they'd still say, "That's okay, we don't mind."

I'm now feeling very apprehensive (and guilty) because in a few weeks, we're going to visit them. Which would be okay, but my husband is participating in a sporting event in another state for four days of our seven day visit. So I'm left alone with my in-laws. Normally this wouldn't bother me too much, but there is tension between us now because of their long visits. I'm not comfortable staying with them when their visits to me have caused me so much distress. And I have no choice. I have to go. Seven days is much too long, even to be the guest. My MIL will probably want to discuss our problem. And I get to do the "it's not you, it's me" thing...haha.

I'd better make sure I don't forget my blood pressure medication!

[FallenofTrack]

It is wonderful having a valid excuse.... but one of the things I've noticed with my particular group of houseguests (my in-laws) is that, no matter what excuse I give, their response is, "That's okay, we don't mind." We were going out of town one weekend for a school related activity (in other words, not a vacation!), and when we got a call that the guests were coming, my husband actually told them no emphatically (the first time I ever heard him tell them no), and they still came, because they "didn't mind" that we weren't going to be there. (They then stayed for two weeks when we returned.) I've mused to myself that we could tell them both kids have the flu, the dog is sick, the washer and drier are broken, plumbing backed up, and no air conditioner, and they'd still say, "That's okay, we don't mind."

I'm now feeling very apprehensive (and guilty) because in a few weeks, we're going to visit them. Which would be okay, but my husband is participating in a sporting event in another state for four days of our seven day visit. So I'm left alone with my in-laws. Normally this wouldn't bother me too much, but there is tension between us now because of their long visits. I'm not comfortable staying with them when their visits to me have caused me so much distress. And I have no choice. I have to go. Seven days is much too long, even to be the guest. My MIL will probably want to discuss our problem. And I get to do the "it's not you, it's me" thing...haha.

I'd better make sure I don't forget my blood pressure medication!

This seems like really selfish behavior on their part.  The fact that you and your family weren't even going to be at home and the in-laws still decided that they would come over anyway, really shows a lack of consideration for you and your family's needs. And, the  fact that they just decide to call you up and say that they are coming, without you inviting them to come, also speaks to selfish behavior. I'm not trying to make fun of your in-laws but this scenario is like the premise of those movies, in which the "annoying" in-laws or friends invite themselves over and basically wear out their welcome and create problems.

[agreenbough]

I don't think they see it as rude because they're "family". They're a very close family, and my MIL is the matriarch of the clan. Since they're so good natured and so helpful, they can't understand how their presence could annoy anyone. Does it even make sense that all that happy good natured helpfulness could grate on a person? Depends on your point of view, but some people just can't see it from the other person's point of view. My MIL is so happy and so intent on finding the silver lining in every situation that she comes across as unsympathetic. And I'm not a complainer (really, I'm not), but her "can-do, make the best out of every situation" attitude makes me clam up. If I'm not full of sunshine and daisies, I get platitudes about how things are not so bad, look on the bright side, blah blah blah.
Which leads to more guilt for not wanting to have anything more than a superficial conversation. And I don't really come across as happy even when I am, which is a source of confusion.

[FallenofTrack]

agreenbough, I completely understand your feelings about your in-laws helpfulness and upbeat attitude.  Sometimes when people are too helpful, it becomes intrusive to the people they think that they are helping. I've experienced that first hand with someone else, and I was very ANNOYED by that person, to the point where I wouldn't ask him for any help because he ws overbearing with it.  And people who always seem happy and upbeat usually do end up getting on other peoples nerves, because of their never ending peppiness.

[agreenbough]

I told my husband that to me, that constant upbeat mood and refusal to let anything take a person out of their "happy place" sounds like a mental problem that is the opposite of depression. The difference being that nobody would seek help for being "too happy". I do believe there's a benefit in making up your mind to be happy and enjoy life. But chronically happy people almost seem to me to have lost their grip on reality. ("Crazy people walkin' 'round with blood in their eyes, and all she wants to do is dance" - haha)