beating yourself up about something?

[hunnie]

If someone has said something to you which has upset you, shocked you or disturbed you in someway, do you tend to mull it over for ages afterwards?, sometimes hearing the words which have been said to you over and over again?.

Or if you have done something wrong, do you carry on mulling that over for sometime?, instead of letting go?

[Alex]

Hunnie,

To answer your question quickly. I used to experience this as well, but not anymore. Both this and your previous post makes me think that you might either be stressed or possibly have a minor depression. A racing mind is a hallmark of both(your brain just won't shut up, in lack of a better way to put it)

As for beating yourself up, worrying or being anxious, I found the book 'The worry cure' by Robert Leahy incredibly helpful. I can highly recommend it- It uses a cognitive psychological approach where the point is to try to break negative thinking patterns and I think it is very effective. He also has a lecture posted on youtube and I can really recommend you to take out the hour or so to listen to this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQKxwFXEpzQ&feature=related lecture

Good luck

[Tripod]

I do this constantly; over and over again. Even things from years ago come up in my mind. Not exactly sure why.

[hunnie]

Hunnie,

To answer your question quickly. I used to experience this as well, but not anymore. Both this and your previous post makes me think that you might either be stressed or possibly have a minor depression. A racing mind is a hallmark of both(your brain just won't shut up, in lack of a better way to put it)

As for beating yourself up, worrying or being anxious, I found the book 'The worry cure' by Robert Leahy incredibly helpful. I can highly recommend it- It uses a cognitive psychological approach where the point is to try to break negative thinking patterns and I think it is very effective. He also has a lecture posted on youtube and I can really recommend you to take out the hour or so to listen to this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQKxwFXEpzQ&feature=related lecture

Good luck

thanks for the link, when i have some quiet time to myself i'll give it a go!

[Scylla]

Hi Hunnie:

Yes indeed. If I'm stressed I get stuck on what ever fear or negative that is on the horizon. I can't seem to stop rehearsing it. I found some help in Julia Cameron's book "Walking in This World". She suggested writing it all down. I got a cheap notebook, and next time I went on a worry-binge,  I sat and wrote down every bad thought that came to mind, as explicitly as possible ("what if...", "what will I do when..."). All my worst-case scenarios. Some how trapping them on paper made the rehearsal stop. This isn't a cure, but it helps the symptoms.

[Margee]

Hi Hunny!

You are into PERFECTIONISTIC THINKING again girlfriend!!!

I did this for years until i would bring on depression!!(Part of my obsessive,perfectionistic personality also!)

 For example ,This was my 'thinking':
 I and 'they' must be perfect.

I now repeat this affirmation below to myself, cause this can happen to me everyday that I open my mouth, OR somebody else opens theirs. I can be sooooooooo sensitive and take comments personally!

Affirmation: I BY NATURE, (AND OTHERS)  ARE 'FALLIBLE', IMPERFECT HUMAN BEINGS. I WILL SUCCEED AND FAIL DURING THE DAY. I FORGIVE MYSELF AND OTHERS FOR OUR FLAWS.(unless it's abusive, of course!)

If I have hurt someone's feelings or said the wrong thing - I try to immediately make amends to them and apologize.(then I don't carry it around)

If somebody else hurts MY feelings - i try now to let them know, so we can 'talk it out'.Most of the time - if I remain calm - I find out that 'they' did not mean to hurt me at all. Then what generally happens is we have a hug (if your an 'introverted hugger' and we can let it go quickly!

I could NEVER do this before. It's hard - It's challenging - AND, it's worth it! Everytime I 'face' this issue - it gets easier to do!   Everytime you face a person with your truth - you get respect back and you will be so proud of yourself  - that you can't be bothered 'mulling' it over. Margee
 

[hunnie]

Affirmation: I BY NATURE, (AND OTHERS)  ARE 'FALLIBLE', IMPERFECT HUMAN BEINGS. I WILL SUCCEED AND FAIL DURING THE DAY. I FORGIVE MYSELF AND OTHERS FOR OUR FLAWS.(unless it's abusive, of course!)

I'll practice this Margee, thankyou!

[newmom2008]

If someone has said something to you which has upset you, shocked you or disturbed you in someway, do you tend to mull it over for ages afterwards?, sometimes hearing the words which have been said to you over and over again?.

I can still vividly remember some things said to me. The worst insults are often the comments that aren't intended to be insulting. I have to try and remember that people can be rude, that its only that person's opinion and nothing more.

[Alex]

If someone has said something to you which has upset you, shocked you or disturbed you in someway, do you tend to mull it over for ages afterwards?, sometimes hearing the words which have been said to you over and over again?.

I can still vividly remember some things said to me. The worst insults are often the comments that aren't intended to be insulting. I have to try and remember that people can be rude, that its only that person's opinion and nothing more.

I agree with both you and I've been a lot affected it by myself - being highly sensitive certainly doesn't make it easier, however I do think also that with higher selfesteem one would be less affected by it. To quote Nathaniel Branden, Selfesteem is what you think about yourself, not what someone else thinks or feels about you.
It is very hard and in some cases impossible to control what over people think of you, but what you think of yourself is within your own control. If you are the victim of a hurtful or unfair remark, keep in mind this is just the other person's opinion, action or deliberately intended action to want to make you feel bad. You don't have to agree with it nor accept it as fact and that way let it affect your mood negatively- again, to repeat, selfesteem is the mechanism of your own opinion of yourself, not somebody elses.

Speaking of this, unfortunately there are often bullies around whose deliberately aim to diminish others and who themselves get to feel better by making others feel bad. They will often try to invoke a strong emotional reaction in you by saying something hurtful, but the fun part is, if you don't get affected by it by displaying an air or attitude of 'I don't care what you think' that is actually a great way to hit back - it really takes them by surprise and infuriates them when they realize that you literally hold their opinion in such low regard that you don't care what they think, it dimnishes their sense (or desire) of superiority, the worst think in their minds that can occur to them. Keep in mind, bullies usually have severe selfesteem issues themselves ;-)

[Derek]

Alex, you said self esteem is what you think about yourself, not what someone else thinks or feels about you. I can't wait till i get to this point in my mind 100%. Do we ever  really get to this? I still have a problem with what people think of me. Derek

[Alex]

Hi Derek

It is perfectly normal, most people are like that(imagine what the world would be if not), however, I think what characterizes people with low selfesteem is that at heart they want other people to like them very much. If you like (and accept) yourself warts and all, you won't be so concerned about what others think. Whilst wanting others to like you is not bad per se, unfortunately the consequences often can be. People with low self esteem often are in a state of alert, they consequently scan their environments for sign of disapproval, have a tendency to easily criticize others(because they constantly criticize themselves), but are incredibly sensitive and often prone to fits of rage if they themselves are critisized(or feel they are). Also they tend to always strive for perfection(which of course never exists), so they are never particularly happy, because they feel they are 'always on the way' and never quite there yet. These are just a few of the many unfortunate sideeffects of low selfesteem, but the end result is that people that suffer from this often are not easy to get along with as well as the appearance they subconsciously project is one that pushes other people away so they often run into a lot of defeats in their day to day lives which then further erodes their selfesteem. A quote by the philosopher Eric Hoffer paraphrases it very well:

Self-esteem and self-contempt have specific odors; they can be smelled.

It is not an easy thing to admit to, but looking back I believe I suffered from too low selfesteem too for many years. I don't think it is completely my fault, other factors also contributed to this, but it was first once that when I discovered what low selfesteem did result in(and could have it 'diagnosed' correctly(eg. what you think of yourself regardless of what others think) that I began to see the problems this caused in me as well as the root of certain other people's problems in my environment. I made up this line, 'Even if nobody else likes you it doesn't mean you shouldn't like yourself' which I often found very helpful for myself- It may or may not have been inspired by the famous Eleanor Roosevel quote,

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent but it is in the same spirit

Anyhow, I hope this helps

/Alex
 

[Derek]

That makes sense Alex. Thamks again buddy for your time. I'll have to read this a few times to really get it, but for today, I'll try and like myself flaws and all, without anyone else's approval! I think that's what your saying?  Derek

[Alex]

That makes sense Alex. Thamks again buddy for your time. I'll have to read this a few times to really get it, but for today, I'll try and like myself flaws and all, without anyone else's approval! I think that's what your saying?  Derek

You'r welcome

Yes, that's exactly the point

[shelby]

Constantly! Sometimes I wonder if I have OCD...one negative, thoughtless comment from someone, and I will mull it over for hours, even days! But I think it's just that innies are very deep thinkers, and are sensitive souls, so we take things too personally, sometimes. I have developed a thicker skin as I've gotten older, so I'm not as bad as I used to be....but this tendency will always be there....