Loneliness and Only Children

[newmom2008]

Is anyone here an "only child"? Was it lonely when you were growing up?
I am curious because I am thinking my child needs a sibling, because I am worried about her being lonely as she grows up, especially if she does not make friends easily. I didn't have many friends growing up, but did have a sister, which I think helped some.

[FallenofTrack]

I have to say that I disagree with your line of thinking about this.  Sure, there are some only children who are probably lonely and wish that they had siblings, but there are also some only children who enjoy the fact that they are the only one in the household.  And also, not all siblings get along or even like each other.  Some siblings clash from a very early age and never end up being close.  And one of the reasons for this might be a clash of personalities.

 I have two siblings.  Over the last several years, I have gotten close to my sister, but I am not very close to my brother, and I don't think that he and I will ever have a close relationship.  In my family, that's just the way it is.  It seems like my family, as a whole, just weren't naturally meant to be on close terms.  My sister and I have kind of gone against the grain in terms of being able to have long conversations and really understand each other.

[hunnie]

I had a sister who was older than me, as i was growing up, she was in college in london, so we were far from close, and far from being company for me. I cant say i felt lonely, i was happy in my room making things (always had a big roll of selotape to hand!)/drawing etc, being introverted it worked out well for me, but i guess an extroverted child may feel lonely.

[Jonimom]

My sibling was an extrovert with lots of friends.  So, even though I had one, we were not close.  We had different groups of friends and never did anything together until we were older. 

[pyro13g]

I was an only child and never lonely.  I had my interests that I had free reign to explore as long as I met my parents expectations for grades, sports(which I enjoyed for the most part), and behavior.

I also lived in a neighborhood were all of us kids were all good friends.  There was always someone to "play" with if need be.  

Don't forget, kids go to school.  There's plenty of interaction opportunities available if you feel lonely at times.  There's also the friend aspect whether few, many, or even a pet.

Don't have another child for the purpose of keeping the other company.  

[MoonGirl]

I was an only child and I'm so glad I was.

[yesIsaid]

Wow, looks like I'm going to be the lone dissenter, here, ha ha!

I'm an only child, and I HATED IT.  *Loathed* it. 

I had such a hard time making friends.  It didn't matter that there were other kids in my neighborhood (actually there weren't really - two when I was about five or so, and one when I was about ten or eleven - and that was it), or that there were kids at school - I went to small denominational schools, and either didn't get along with the few other kids in the class/school, or the other kids lived so far away from me that our parents never got us together.  Because heaven knows, my parents didn't have tons of friends either - especially with kids my age.


I decided that I would never do that to a child of mine.  I've had two kids, about two years apart, and I'm *so glad* that I did.  They get along really well, and their teachers have always remarked on how much they love each other.  I'd pick them up from daycare, collecting my daughter from her room, then going to my son's room, and my daughter would RUN to her brother and hug him.  Sure, they fight, they are children after all, but mostly they just love each other, love to play together, my son will read to his sister now, and it's wonderful.  I've felt so blessed that I could give them what I never had, and will always feel the loss of. 

Because, you have to remember - an only child is not just an only AS a child.  This is a life-long 'sentence'.   Both of my parents have died now, and I tell you, it would have been so much easier to deal with their deaths, and cleaning out my mom's house and such, with a sibling to share that with.  Taking care of my mom in her last years was *exhausting*, and it was worse knowing that it was all on me. 

Yes, I know that not all sibling relationships are good, and that, had I had a sibling, maybe they would have been a royal pain in the ass, and never lifted a finger to help anyway. 

But maybe they would have. 

The spectre of a bad outcome is no reason to shut the door on a potentially very good outcome. 


I knew, I just *knew* that my children would have a good relationship.  Why?  Because I make sure that they do.  I cultivate it.  I make sure that they are not allowed to treat each other poorly.  I often remind them how lucky they are to have each other, and they know it.

My mom had a poor relationship with one of her brothers, and I think it made her wary of having more than one child.  But *I* am the one who got hurt.  There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish that I had a sibling - someone who remembers family life in a similar way as I do.  My parents are gone - there's no one who remembers them as I do.  There's no one who remembers *me* as a child.  My children do not have even the possibility of aunts or uncles or cousins on my side of the family. 

I see my best friend, and the relationship she has with her sister (very close), and even with her brother (not super close, but not antagonistic), and I'm so jealous sometimes.  It hurts me over and over again that I wasn't even allowed the *chance* to create a relationship with a sibling.  I see the greeting cards for 'sisters', and it's painful, knowing that's a relationship, a support system, that I was denied, and can never make up. 

Friends are great, but they're not *family*.  Friends always have the option of drifting out of your life.  Even if you don't get along with your siblings - they're still always your siblings.  You always have *something*, even if maybe it's not the something you wish you had.  But just by having it at all, you always have the opportunity to make it better. 

I have nothing at all.

[FallenofTrack]

yesIsaid, I respect your thoughts, your opinions, and your feelings on this issue, even though I disagree somewhat with some of the things you stated. 

For me personally, while I was growing up, I didn't think that I wanted any children, but then I eventually decided that I would have one child and that's it.  So now, my boyfriend and I have our daughter, and that is the only child we are going to have.  I definitely couldn't handle more than one, and when it comes down to it, that's my choice whether or not to have more kids, not my daughter's choice.  Because the way I view it is that my boyfriend and I are the ones who have to maintain our children and exert a lot of energy on taking care of the kids we have, and from just having one child, I know that she is all that I can handle.  I personally think that a lot of people don't spend enough time thinking about whether or not they will be able to handle the amount of kids they end up having.  They have kids, then complain about how much energy they have to exert on all their kids, and a lot of them pass of responsibility for the older kids to maintain the younger ones.  This is something I don't agree with it. 

From the looks of it, my daughter is highly extroverted, outgoing socially, and loves to be around other people, so I can definitely see her forming and maintaing a social circle once she starts school and throughout her life.  And I will be happy with that for my daughter

[newmom2008]

I had a sister growing up, but once we became adults, we went our separate ways. She moved away and got married. We did not keep in touch except for birthday cards. I never felt she liked me and that I had been a thorn in her side when we were kids. I think she always resented having a younger sister, truth be told.

I know that there are some good sibling relationships out there, however. I am sure that some stick together and are very close.

I don't want my daughter to grow up lonely, though. I think sometimes that she needs at least one sibling. Two kids would be my absolute limit.

[newmom2008]

I see my best friend, and the relationship she has with her sister (very close), and even with her brother (not super close, but not antagonistic), and I'm so jealous sometimes.  It hurts me over and over again that I wasn't even allowed the *chance* to create a relationship with a sibling.  I see the greeting cards for 'sisters', and it's painful, knowing that's a relationship, a support system, that I was denied, and can never make up. 

Friends are great, but they're not *family*.  Friends always have the option of drifting out of your life. 

You made some good points. I guess I don't want my daughter to grow up resenting the fact she never had a sibling. Would she? I don't know. It haunts me to think about it. I also worry that if she doesn't make many friends, that she will be even lonelier.

I completely agree that friends are not quite the same as family.

[yesIsaid]

So now, my boyfriend and I have our daughter, and that is the only child we are going to have.  I definitely couldn't handle more than one, and when it comes down to it, that's my choice whether or not to have more kids, not my daughter's choice. 

You sound a little defensive, there. 

I wasn't attacking your choice, simply explaining my experiences, and showing the other side.



I found that having a second child made some things easier, surprisingly.  For instance, rather than having one baby crying or pulling on my leg while I tried to make dinner, my son happily entertained my daughter, and everyone got attention, and a good dinner, with a minimum of stress.   


As far as 'passing responsibility' goes - in a larger family, yes, everyone has to pitch in.  That's how the family functions, so the parents don't burn out.  That's the way it's been from the dawn of time.  It's only lately, in our incredibly selfish modern age, where society seems to think that mom has to do *everything* for her family, sacrificing herself in the meantime.  And giving the children responsibility for each other teaches some very important skills and values - something that is sorely lacking these days.

I do think that my mom probably thought that she 'couldn't handle' another child.  She may have been right.   She also thought she couldn't afford another child, and wanted to give me things she never had.  Well - I had shelves of toys and games, sure....but no one to play them with.  My parents were busy working, or being depressed - I would have given up those 'things' in a heartbeat, for the simple pleasure of someone to share things with.   Some people think it's selfish to have more, because each kid is then getting somewhat less than 100% of the parents' attention.  (Since when was that a requirement, anyway?)  Having one can be equally selfish - because one child, especially a quiet one, is much easier to brush off and ignore.


If your daughter is outgoing, that's fabulous.  She probably won't lack friends, and certainly may not feel the absence of a sibling. 

But I think there may be a genetic component to that, too.  If you were okay being an only, great, your kid likely will, too.  Since I hated it so much, I had suspicions that my kids might well turn out like me - so I didn't want to risk it.  And I was right....my son actually is rather introverted.  But he's somewhat less shy than I was, and I think that's very much due to the fact that he's got a much more outgoing little sister that continually draws him out of his shell.


Don't think I'm encouraging you to have more - I'm really not.  If you're happy, and your kid is happy, that's great. 

But the OP has questions and misgivings, and I think those have validity to them.   Having more isn't always the right answer.  But sticking to one isn't always the right answer, either. 

[agreenbough]

I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter, I would sometimes lay awake at night wondering if I was ruining my son's life. He was the center of my universe, and I was afraid he'd feel displaced when his sister arrived. (I guess we all think some pretty crazy things at one time or another - it seems silly now, but I was really worried!)

My son is very introverted and my daughter is more towards the middle of the I/E spectrum. They have always gotten along so well that many of my extended family members have commented on it. I feel they have enriched each other's lives. And I'm glad they'll have each other when I'm gone, and will share some of the same memories, like memories of childhood Christmases.

Having said that, I have two brothers and a sister, and growing up, I often felt the two older ones ganged up on me, and the younger one is much younger than us, so he was practically an only child. We had all moved out by the time he was in middle school. I idolized my older sister for a time, which was difficult. She was very pretty and popular. As adults we get along fine with each other, but we aren't all that close....but we all live in different cities. In a way, I almost feel like I was an only child myself. I did my own thing and they did theirs. I also sort of got ignored at times, as they had more drama in their lives than I did.

My best childhood friend was an only child, and it makes me smile to think of that in light of the fact that she now has five children of her own.

[FallenofTrack]

So now, my boyfriend and I have our daughter, and that is the only child we are going to have.  I definitely couldn't handle more than one, and when it comes down to it, that's my choice whether or not to have more kids, not my daughter's choice. 

You sound a little defensive, there. 

I wasn't attacking your choice, simply explaining my experiences, and showing the other side.



I found that having a second child made some things easier, surprisingly.  For instance, rather than having one baby crying or pulling on my leg while I tried to make dinner, my son happily entertained my daughter, and everyone got attention, and a good dinner, with a minimum of stress.   


As far as 'passing responsibility' goes - in a larger family, yes, everyone has to pitch in.  That's how the family functions, so the parents don't burn out.  That's the way it's been from the dawn of time.  It's only lately, in our incredibly selfish modern age, where society seems to think that mom has to do *everything* for her family, sacrificing herself in the meantime.  And giving the children responsibility for each other teaches some very important skills and values - something that is sorely lacking these days.

I do think that my mom probably thought that she 'couldn't handle' another child.  She may have been right.   She also thought she couldn't afford another child, and wanted to give me things she never had.  Well - I had shelves of toys and games, sure....but no one to play them with.  My parents were busy working, or being depressed - I would have given up those 'things' in a heartbeat, for the simple pleasure of someone to share things with.   Some people think it's selfish to have more, because each kid is then getting somewhat less than 100% of the parents' attention.  (Since when was that a requirement, anyway?)  Having one can be equally selfish - because one child, especially a quiet one, is much easier to brush off and ignore.


If your daughter is outgoing, that's fabulous.  She probably won't lack friends, and certainly may not feel the absence of a sibling. 

But I think there may be a genetic component to that, too.  If you were okay being an only, great, your kid likely will, too.  Since I hated it so much, I had suspicions that my kids might well turn out like me - so I didn't want to risk it.  And I was right....my son actually is rather introverted.  But he's somewhat less shy than I was, and I think that's very much due to the fact that he's got a much more outgoing little sister that continually draws him out of his shell.


Don't think I'm encouraging you to have more - I'm really not.  If you're happy, and your kid is happy, that's great. 

But the OP has questions and misgivings, and I think those have validity to them.   Having more isn't always the right answer.  But sticking to one isn't always the right answer, either. 

To yesIsaid, I know that you weren't attacking my choice, so when I wrote that statement, I wasn't on the defensive.  I only wrote that to show how I personally view having kids and why I made my choice.  Some of the things that I stated may have countered the points that you made, but that was just to show how I personally feel.  And, I definitely didn't think that you were encouraging me to have more kids.

As far as the "passing responsiblity" point that I had made in my initial post, I personally don't think that it is fair for the older kids in the family to be forced to look after the younger ones.  In my personal experience, I was put into situations where I felt forced to spend time with my younger siblings and to look after them.  And there were definitely times when I resented my parents for putting me in that position.  I remember my father would force me to spend time with my younger sister when I wanted to go and hang out with a neighborhood friend.  That's not to say that I never wanted to spend time with my siblings, because I really did and I actually spent a lot of time playing with them and being in their company, but I didn't like it when my father would put the brakes on me spending time doing other things, because he felt like I should be doing things with my siblings.  I felt that it was unfair to me.

I do agree with you that having one child can also lead to selfish behavior, also, because like you said, there are some parents who will ignore that child and basically leave the child to fend for him or herself.

But anyway, after stating all of that, like I said before, I respect your thoughts on the matter, and I definitely understand the OP's concerns.

[newmom2008]

I had a sister, but growing up, I often wondered what it would be like to have a brother. I wondered if I was missing out on something.

Anyway, I grew up next door to a little boy who was like a brother to me. He was one year younger, and we often played together. I met him again as an adult, about 10 years ago. But found out since, that he has disappeared. His parents have even hired a PI to find him, but no luck. He was an adopted child who never got along with his parents very well, and disassociated himself from them (apparently). Its all very sad. I wish I could see him again some day.

[berjnsan21]

Most parents say that the only cure of their loneliness is their children. So, mothers during their pregnancy, are so happy and excited for the coming of their baby. And I think it is happier if your children are not only one, two or three are better.