Are extroverts really insecure underneath?

[Ms.Jackson]

I am trying to understand extroverts.

I have a friend that is an extrovert; she literally says whatever thought pops into her head with NO shame. She will spotaneous laugh out loud at any given moment. She can be funny and charming but I always notice that extroverts can be very mean spirited with their humor and charm at times

I also notice that they tend to talk ALOT about themselves; talking about how incredibly attractive they are to the opposite sex (even if they arent), how they attact so much attention everywhere they go, how everyone likes them. They even exaggerate things/situations to make a story sound better

My friend does this and she will subtly put me down. she will say how she is so gorgeous and how so many men want her, yet if I mention one guy who likes me she acts as if she cannot even believe that a man will lay eyes on me. which is ridiculous because I am not an ugly girl.

This extroverted person also likes to say that I dont "talk to anybody" even though I do. (the put down that extroverts do) I just dont make it obvious to the world that I am having a conversation nor do I need to prove to other people that I have acquaintances/friends. Its like with her type of extroversion she has to prove to everybody every single thing..that she has lots of friends, lots of male admirers, big boobs, pretty face. Its really draining for me. I feel like she has to build herself up and give me nothing


I also know another extrovert who just exaggerates stories they tell; they'll even exaggerate something they bought by describing it to be more decorative than what it is. They also have to outshine other people, even if its the most miniscule and irrelvant thing. I had a very pretty calculator that people would always compliment on, and tell me how cute and pretty it was when I pulled it out in class, and I could see the ENVY (extroverted friend) eyes. OVER A CALCULATOR. lol When someone complimented my calculator on its color, and detail, she would say "well my calculator doesn't need all that to do the job. and it does fractions better than yours"

So do extroverts have a deep insecurity and they just mask it by being so outgoing and dramatic?

I just don't understand it. If I am insecure about myself, I tend to hide,  and push myself into the background. I would never bring attention to it by exaggerating whatever it is that I am insecure about so ppl can criticize me.

I also dont like the extreme social pressure with extroverts to keep up. You have to prove your social worth by knowing certain types of people, having a boyfriend/husband;  dressing a certain way, driving a certain type of car etc.

[FallenofTrack]

Ms. Jackson, welcome to the forum.  From reading your post, I can very much relate to your dilemma with your extroverted friend.  When I read your post, I felt like I was reading my own story because your experience with your extroverted friend is so similar to my experience with an extroverted individual who used to be a coworker of mine.  

 The way you described your friend is pretty much the same way that I would describe my former coworker, especially the laughing out loud all the time and pretty much saying whatever comes to her mind.  I also used to hear from another coworker about how meanspirited this extroverted coworker was.  The problem was that this extroverted coworker saw herself as being so funny and "cute".  But I used to hear some of the things that she would say in
"jest" and for the most part it wasn't funny, it was actually more insulting and meanspirited.  But she would say things with a smile, so it was hard to call her out on something even though I knew she was really full of sh*t and that she was angling for attention. When I first started working with her, I actually liked her a lot at first, because I thought she was a nice, friendly person.  But after a while, her personality became very overbearing and I grew increasingly uncomfortable around her. It was pretty much as you said, she would build herself up with all of her self aggrandizing behavior, but she never gave anything to anybody else.  She was very self-absorbed and never acknowledged the complexities of other people.  She only viewed people as a way for her to get attention and to amuse herself.
I think that these extroverts are the ones who have a high degree of narcissism, so therefore they need the spotlight to be on them most of the time, and if it isn't on them, they will go out of thier way to get it.  I would agree with you that this kind of behavior can be the result of deep rooted insecurities.  A high degree of extraversion combined with  a high degree of narcissism usually makes for an insecure person who seeks attetnion from others.

I think a good way to deal with people like this is to avoid giving them too much attention.  You know that's what they want, so therefore, don't supply them with all of the attention they crave.  when it comes to dealing with your friend, when she starts up on her self-aggrandizement, just ignore her comments about herself.  If she sees that you aren't playing into it, she will realize that you have stopped giving her the attention taht she craves, and she just might stop doing it so often.  She doesn't acknowledge your good qualities, so why should you acknowledge her self-promotion. That would be unfair to you.  

I think it's also important to remember that not all extroverts are as narcissistic as your friend seems to be.  A lot of extroverts are funny and outgoing and love to be around other people, but they aren't selfish.

[Ms.Jackson]

Ms. Jackson, welcome to the forum.  From reading your post, I can very much relate to your dilemma with your extroverted friend.  When I read your post, I felt like I was reading my own story because your experience with your extroverted friend is so similar to my experience with an extroverted individual who used to be a coworker of mine. 

 The way you described your friend is pretty much the same way that I would describe my former coworker, especially the laughing out loud all the time and pretty much saying whatever comes to her mind.  I also used to hear from another coworker about how meanspirited this extroverted coworker was.  The problem was that this extroverted coworker saw herself as being so funny and "cute".  But I used to hear some of the things that she would say in
"jest" and for the most part it wasn't funny, it was actually more insulting and meanspirited.  But she would say things with a smile, so it was hard to call her out on something even though I knew she was really full of sh*t and that she was angling for attention. When I first started working with her, I actually liked her a lot at first, because I thought she was a nice, friendly person.  But after a while, her personality became very overbearing and I grew increasingly uncomfortable around her. It was pretty much as you said, she would build herself up with all of her self aggrandizing behavior, but she never gave anything to anybody else.  She was very self-absorbed and never acknowledged the complexities of other people.  She only viewed people as a way for her to get attention and to amuse herself.
I think that these extroverts are the ones who have a high degree of narcissism, so therefore they need the spotlight to be on them most of the time, and if it isn't on them, they will go out of thier way to get it.

I think a good way to deal with people like this is to avoid giving them too much attention.  You know that's what they want, so therefore, don't supply them with all of the attention they crave.  when it comes to dealing with your friend, when she starts up on her self-aggrandizement, just ignore her comments about herself.  If she sees that you aren't playing into it, she will realize that you have stopped giving her the attention taht she craves, and she just might stop doing it so often.  She doesn't acknowledge your good qualities, so why should you acknowledge her self-promotion. That would be unfair to you. 

I think it's also important to remember that not all extroverts are as narcissistic as your friend seems to be.  A lot of extroverts are funny and outgoing and love to be around other people, but they aren't selfish.

Your co-workers sounds very much like my friend too LOL When she says a put down, she always has a smile on her face, or she'll let out a hearty laugh like she's just doing some meaningless light hearted teasing. But when it's down regularly you really start to wonder how meaningless and lighthearted it really is. It slowly starts to become apparent that this person is putting you down

I used to ignore these comments, thinking it will go away, that eventually she'll get tired of me not giving it any attention. but in reality, it doesn't ever stop. The person will continue to do it, until you've had enough. Once I confronted one of her rude comments masked as a joke, she just laughed and said, "I didn't mean it that way". She never brought it up again

I think a good way to deal with people like this is to avoid giving them too much attention.  You know that's what they want, so therefore, don't supply them with all of the attention they crave.  when it comes to dealing with your friend, when she starts up on her self-aggrandizement, just ignore her comments about herself.  If she sees that you aren't playing into it, she will realize that you have stopped giving her the attention taht she craves, and she just might stop doing it so often.

Well, what I have noticed with those type of extroverts, is that even though you ignore their self agrandizement, it doesn't make them stop at all. They will continue to endlessly praise everything about themselves. Ignoring doesn't make it go away. Its almost as if you have to get into a confrontation with them to shut up about it.

[FallenofTrack]

To Ms. Jackson, you are definitely right when you stated that over time it does become very apparent that the person is putting you down with a smile on his or her face.  You start to feel like the person is laughing at you and trying to get amusement at your expense.  I remember after while, I found my former coworker's laugh to be so creepy, because I felt like she was laughing at people, plus she was annoying and loud. She used to always smirk too, whenever someone said something critical about her behavior, as though she was so perfect that no one could ever find something to be wrong with her.  That smirk alone turned me off from her, big time. 

I remember calling my former coworker out on a couple of occasions about something that she had said, but she never took me seriously and also used to laugh off anything I said to her.  One day I got fed up with her and lashed out at her.  This was a bad move on my part, because she used it to play the victim, even though she was a pest and an irritant.  I made sure I let management know that I could no longer deal with her, because I was starting to act out toward her, and I didn't want to truly blow up on her.  See it was ok for her to say and do what she pleased, but as soon as someone bruised her ego, she didn't like that.

I agree with you that the self-aggrandizement that they display is a very touchy thing because they will often times continue to do it, since they see nothing wrong with it, and they think they are perfect in every way, shape, and form.  It usually takes a real bruise to their ego to make them shut up and go away.  I think it depends on how narcissistic the person is.  Extraverts who are low on the narcissism will take your feelings into consideration, but the ones who have a high level of narcissism are harder to get through to.

[Alex]

Hi,
A couple of things to keep in mind

1. This kind of behaviour is quite common amongst insecure extroverts. As you state it is incredibly important they appear cute and sexy and they deliberately act these roles like an actor or actress(they base their selfworth on what they think a man thinks of them) to become more likeable in the other person's eyes. Beauty fades with age(and I can imagine and have in fact observed how a maladjusted extrovert after turning 30 and starting to fear her beauty fades goes into a panic mode. Some extroverts think they are only likeable if they look 'hot'. If others look hot too, they don't like that very much because they think it diminishes them - hence the putdowns delivered with a smile you have observed(it threatens the image they want to have of themselves) - Unfortunately there are a lot of people with selfworth problems who in order to feel good themselves feel this can only be done by putting other people down. Their perception of their likeability of themselves and in others is shallow - I am worthy because I got nice boobs, come on! ;-)
Such extroverts believe everything in life should be fun, light, happy, cute and sexy - but deep down they know life is not like that and if their true self is revealed or they feel their 'selves' are questioned or nor unconditionally embraced it can become very ugly indeed and they will viciously lash out against you.

2. Often if not most often(unlike an introvert who has spent plenty(and perhaps at times too much) of time on selfreflection) they don't really know themselves - As mentioned before everything has to be light, happy and carefree, but when life throws them a lemon they struggle to see that life can also have it's downturns and they don't think they have(or might not have developed their own mechanisms) to deal with these lemons so instead they go into overdrive(for example going out everynight because they can not stand to be alone by themselves) trying to give the impression that everything is ok, life is easy and they are light, carefree, cute, sexy and fun persons to be around(remember it is an act trying to fool others and themselves, it is often not real) - I would imagine for exactly the same reasons 'party' drugs like cocaine or methamphetimine are consumed more by extroverts - these stimulants fool the person into 'a party mode' and makes him/her forget  reality - I think an introvert would rather turn to drink

3. Finally, it boils a lot down to a lacking sense of self and having low selfworth. Extroverts are extremely image conscious - they base their sense of selfworth almost solely on what they think other people's perception is - you can say they don't rest in themselves. It is incredibly important to appear likeable, but what they don't keep in mind is that they place so much importance on this because they basically don't like themselves. If they liked themselves others opinion of them whether real or imagined would mean less - there is no need to build up an 'image' of this person they want the world to see, because they are at peace with themselves and have nothing to prove(and like themselves for who they are as a person, not because they want somebody else to admire(or envy!) their boobs).

In conclusion for some insecure extroverts life becomes sort of a competion as you mention - look at what a great life, boyfriend, body, car I have - You must like me, admire me or envy me - but, again it all boils down to 'Living through others' rather than living for oneself. It is a bit childish and immature - it is like if every other kid on the block has a particularly toy or wear a particular kind of sneakers they have to get the same too(even if they might not like it) One interesting thing you should try to take a notice of is(to quote Eric Hoffer) - You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you. - Eg. common Extrorvert put downs are 'Nobody likes you' or 'You will never get a man, you will always be alone' -  because these are the things they in fact fear the most themselves :-)

[Alex]

I remember calling my former coworker out on a couple of occasions about something that she had said, but she never took me seriously and also used to laugh off anything I said to her.  One day I got fed up with her and lashed out at her.  This was a bad move on my part, because she used it to play the victim, even though she was a pest and an irritant.  I made sure I let management know that I could no longer deal with her, because I was starting to act out toward her, and I didn't want to truly blow up on her.  See it was ok for her to say and do what she pleased, but as soon as someone bruised her ego, she didn't like that.

I am curious, what happened after you called in management?

[FallenofTrack]

I remember calling my former coworker out on a couple of occasions about something that she had said, but she never took me seriously and also used to laugh off anything I said to her.  One day I got fed up with her and lashed out at her.  This was a bad move on my part, because she used it to play the victim, even though she was a pest and an irritant.  I made sure I let management know that I could no longer deal with her, because I was starting to act out toward her, and I didn't want to truly blow up on her.  See it was ok for her to say and do what she pleased, but as soon as someone bruised her ego, she didn't like that.

I am curious, what happened after you called in management?

Well, I talked to two of the managers in a meeting and just let them know that I felt very pressured by this coworker and that basically I didn't feel comfortable around her.  I related to them the incident in which I lashed out at her, after months of quietly putting up with her nonsense.  I also let them know that I had politely tried to say things and explain things to her, in the past, but none of that worked with her, and I was basically at the end of my rope in trying to deal with her on a daily basis.  After this, a few days later, there was a sit down meeting with the managers, myself, and this coworker.  This was a chance to air our grievances about each other.  But off course the extroverted coworker didn't want to hear any of it.  She basically just sat there not saying anything, playing the victim.  I really think that she was very surprised that I had any issues with her, even though, in the past, I had tried calling her out on things on a couple of different occasions, only to have her laugh off anything I said. So overall, the meeting wasn't very successful.  After that, I requested that I be put on a different work shift because I didn't want to be anywhere this coworker. I can usually tolerate personality differences between myself and other coworkers, because I realize that is an aspect of many jobs. is to be able to tolerate and respect peoples differences, but I couldn't tolerate this coworker.

[Alex]

FOT, thanks for sharing. It is good to hear management was called in to bring attention to her bad behaviou and for her it probably worked like some kind of shock therapy. Sometimes sadly this is necessary, some people will only learn the hard way

[newmom2008]

My friend does this and she will subtly put me down. she will say how she is so gorgeous and how so many men want her, yet if I mention one guy who likes me she acts as if she cannot even believe that a man will lay eyes on me. which is ridiculous because I am not an ugly girl.

This type of behavior sounds like classic narcissism. I don't know if its more common amongst extroverts, but it could be. Some introverts may be narcissistic, but don't vocalize it as much as the extrovert does.

[radames]

I have been reading this post and thanks for sharing everyone.  I have stated that I related with FoT's situation before because the safety of the work environment has been important to me and if someone ruins the peace and security I feel in it then it really makes the situation miserable for me and I have to flee from it in order to retain my sanity.

In a way, it makes me tempted to bring a recorder or something to prove that the person did what they did.  Of course, there can be legal issues with this but I am always about proving the truth of a situation and claiming justice in it but will it really be worth it for the situation at hand?  I suppose it seems to be a subjective situation where you wrestled with that woman who couldn't keep her mouth shut and couldn't own up to what she had done wrong.  Yet I think that we are also a bit of an annoyance with our bosses and management because they don't want to appear like a "weird" or insensitive company and don't want to get a "bad rating" as far as with the BBB or have a bad reputation. 

Therefore, they allude to the importance of meeting with both parties involved in order to save face.  They let you "air out" your differences but could really be thinking, "what in the world is wrong with this 'pansy?"  Why don't they get some tough skin and not take everything personally?  Wake up and smell the coffee!  This is the world we are living in!  Deal with it!"  They think all of this while smiling of course, just like your co-worker who insults while smiling.

You wonder where the justice can be found, or the respect, or the honor, or the considerate nature.  Then you find that we innies are the "mother hens" of this society and we simply have to be tougher and more resilient because we, in essence, are "babysitting" most of the outies who live recklessly and take chances at everything without respect for the feelings or aspiration of other people.  They live by the mantra, "only the strong survive," and "survival of the fittest."  Who are the strong?  Who are the fit?  I can assure you that the people who originated those quotes went to a mirror to define them and set the variables.

Thus we innies are the "conscientious barometer" of this world filled with little kids running around with scissors.

[druidkat7]

OH MY GODDESS!!!!!!! o_O

FOT, you just described BOTH my late grandmother, AND two co-workers of mine...

I was almost in tears reading what you wrote...tears of relief because now I know I am not the only Sensitive person (I'm something of an ambivert as well) to have this experience with an extremely rude, insensitive co worker or pair of coworkers...

@Radames: You said it absolutely correctly: we "innies" DO tend to be the "conscientious barometer" of a world filled with little kids running with scissors...I mean, I can be impetuous and spontaneous, but it's more in a "hey let's go to the bookstore today and hang out" type of way. :-P

[Quiet]

I was just telling someone the other day that I seem to do a better job of putting myself in someone else's shoes than they do in mine. In other words, how come I noticed and recognized someone's situation, but no one bothers to recognize mine.  It is not rocket science, but most extroverts just don't seem to be capable of understanding others as we are.

They are just too busy doing without thinking. I think we have all even seen a movie here and there praising someone who does something first and thinks about the consequences later--a trait of the "hero" who is to be admired.