EmoTrance Healing modality?

[flame]

Hi everyone.

 I sort of have something I need to talk about, but it isn't about introversion.

 I am part of a Personal Development forum also, and today I was posting on a thread where this fella who has been flirting alot with ALL the women, requested, as part of what he said was an exercise in desensitising himself to criticism and rejection, since he had experienced alot of that as a child from his family...and I could relate.

 So, for this exercise, he asked us all if we would post unpleasant and rejecting and even insulting comments to him so that he could find triggers and experience the uncomfortable feelings of these rejections, therefore making it more likely, as he said, that he would not react emotionally to either in the future, if they were really dealt to him!

 Now, although it seemed stupid to me at the time I read it...it was also slightly amusing and I thought I would play along as a game, and some other people did at first also...though they made it clear that they thought it was stupid too!
 So, anyway...I found it hard at first to insult him, as I'm not used to this, but thought it would be an interesting exercise and get me out of my comfort zone.
 I said some pretty ridiculous and rather creative insults (if I do say so myself) and he kept saying to "keep em coming" that they were just what he was he was looking for.

 At one point it got pretty extreme with the insults and the rejection I was dealing him, as he had asked...and I kinda got caught up in it...and he said he was grateful for it afterwards.
 All the other posters were pretty baffled by it all and one even said it was a bad thread and that he should feel bad! I'm not sure whether he was actually playing along by shaming and therefore rejecting him or whether he meant it, as it did make alot of people uncomfortable...though I felt like I knew what he was trying to do...and it was helping him become aware of a major trigger stemming from his past...I also felt close to him afterwards, even though he lives in Montana, and I don't really know him.

 Just before I came onto this site tonight, I had a look at the EmoTrance site that he gave a link to ...which is what he had taken the exercise from...and I'm really not sure now whether it is a legitimate thing or whether he's just really messed up and maybe I made it worse or whether it really did help him...and it wasn't bad?

 He knew it was going to make him feel uncomfortable, and he wanted to feel that way for the reasons I gave before...I'm just feeling a little unsure though now...and I know it's too late, but I was just wondering if anyone has ever heard of this healing method for feelings of rejection and emotional abuse from the past, and if it sounds valid...or if it really was bad? I know it is hard to judge without having witnessed the thread content yourselves...but it got pretty extreme I'll say that much!

Any help here would be mucho appreciated? I know it's pretty out there compared to what we usually discuss...

[Alex]

Pretty stupid I think. As a quote by Abraham Lincoln goes, 'When I do good I feel good, when I do bad I feel bad'. When we do bad things towards others we just don't denigrate the othe person but also ourselves - This fella might very well have a point about having to be able to deal with criticism better and becoming less sensitive about it, but I think there is a difference between being fearful of certain emotions by not actively trying to avoid it and then in turn actively seeking them out(and then even as some kind of lab experiement) - if you are actively seeking them out like this it becomes sort of an exercise and I think the impact is less powerful because you already know that you are sort of setting it up and mechanizing it, eg. from the outset it is kind of fake, prearranged and the outcome is then more sort of used for bemusement and as a thing that can be checked off on a list.

It's a bit like online dating I feel - real romance as I see it is something complex that takes time to develop, it's not like ordering a pizza off a list and choosing which toppings to go with it. His approach is a quick fix solution and it's not really real, because he is dealing in a sterile environment with a bunch of strangers basically, not people who know him for real in real life(and even then such an exercise would still seem a bit stunted and distateful in my opinion). So even if we imagined he sat in the middle of a circle in real life and all his 'friends' would then tell him every thing about him that they don't like - what good would then that do of him becoming more desenticised - that he can listen to a lot of crap without taking it personally(what if some of the points were true and he should think it over, where does lead to growth for him as a person if he then just chooses to want to have bad emotions deflect off himself as teflon - that doesn't solve his problem as I see it - it just renders him tonedeaf. In short, emotions are not something to be feared or avoided, but it seems like he interprets emotions not as something that should not be feared, but dealt with in a way so they can be ignored completely - a bit dumb I'd say, sorry...

[flame]

No that's o.k. I asked for an honest oppinion.

What does that make me though...that I went along with it? I just sort of thought of it as a game that seemed pretty amusing, and didn't think too much of it, nor did I feel too bad about it until someone wrote that it was bad, which made me think...not your typical innie way I know!

Be gentle

[Alex]

Well, he asked for it so I don't think you can be blamed for it, even if one of course can choose not to do certain actions if they somehow feel wrong- But I think it is understandable if one can get caught up in the heat of a moment and then write or say something unkind and hurtful -  that is just being human.

So there is a difference here between something that was done impulsively to something that was done coldly and deliberately to try to elicit the maximum emotional distress and subsequently if you aftewards would somehow feel good about it(and maybe even want to brag about it) - then that would be problematic I'd say - that would then be bullying - or more simply, being a jerk. However, I don't think this applies for you - but sadly, there a lot's of those of kind of jerks and bullies around - and they tend to prey on those who already are at their most vulnerable - so one aspect of not being or let come across as vulnerable or allowing yourself to be preyed upon is by having healthy selfesteem

[flame]

What you said makes sense to me Alex.

 I know I didn't brag or feel good about it afterwards...I just gave him what he asked for. I have gone back to the thread since and expressed my uncertainty about the whole thing and embarrassment as well, that I thought in retrospect that it wasn't very healthy, and it messed me up...so I won't be doing that again any time soon!

 Infact, I'm now considering taking a breather from the Internet forums alltogether for a while, starting from now...so, I know it's what all the cool kids are doing but I think I'm going to take a break too, just for a while...happy new year everyone.

[pyro13g]

Not sure it will trigger the correct response if he has no genuine interest in the other person.

[radames]

It is an interesting thing to see how complicated we can get in trying to figure out certain things in our lives.  I think Alex's quote sums up our need for simplicity in this crazy world.  We need to keep things very simple and try to be a professional of common sense and simplicity.

I have a few theories as to how this situation could be analyzed.  This guy may have just wanted attention or some kind of reinforcement of an abusive emotional situation in the past that seemed to be the only type of love he could receive from his parents.  He could have been trying to control the group of people by influencing their instinctual aggressiveness in order to show everyone how "powerful" he is whether by being really tough or by showing everyone how easily influenced they are.  He could have sincerely been led to think that finding the triggers and being able to anticipate them would be wiser than being unpleasantly surprised by them.  This may have been his intention and, though it was on the right track, it simply wasn't the right forum or environment to carry out his healing.  Typically, a professional knows how to prepare us to encounter these very sensitive times for us in a way that promotes healing not worsens the pain.

Flame, I am always one to try to see situations from a different perspective than the usual way in order to bring us to grow and to be aware of more things in life that can help us know ourselves more.  I think everyone here has already stated that what was done didn't seem healthy as most people intuitively know what emotional health looks like in various social interaction.  I wonder if you can remember what exactly was happening in your own mind and emotions when you felt like you first got out of control of your "power." 

Did you have a particular thought or feeling that made you feel like what you were doing was fun?  Perhaps there was a certain trigger that awakened a side of you that you weren't as aware of except during situations like these?  Not many of us encounter situations where someone wants another to abuse them.  In essence, you and the rest of the people who participated may very well have shown what can happen to us as HUMANS when a certain part of our psyche is charged with stimuli.  This may have been our instinctual brain, or reptilian brain, being overstimulated.  On the other hand, more than one of you were aware of the part of the brain associated with survival and feeling which brought you to feel that this experiment was stupid and crazy.

I think that you can use this situation as a valuable learning tool in your discovery of yourself.  You found out what happens when you are pushed or influenced in a certain way; when you are given a power.  You have a brain that can choose what to do regardless of thoughts or feelings.  I think that our ideas aren't really an indicator of what we are really like as people unless those ideas are reinforced over and over again through our actions.  I always hear that the strongest indicator of intent has to do with actions rather than thoughts.  Unless you were facing this situation person and it was more than your fingers and thoughts expressing themselves, you can discover that you most likely wouldn't have done this in "real life." 

There are a lot of ideas that sound good to us but we don't really know what kind of energy and effort they require until we have to put them to action.  I think that whenever we have something that we would like to do that comes from our creative side of the mind, a certain "wall of obstacles" with various holes in it blocks out the largest part of the ideas with the "stubborn reality" of where we are in life.  These can include finances, family, competition, skill, talent, fear, past failures, level of durability, TRUE needs, criticism, and so forth.  This wall is made up of an unending number of these "negatives" that can be the deciding factor in whether an idea stays only an idea or turns into action.  There are certain things that push through the holes in the wall because we are able to keep them as "baby steps."  If we want total victory right away then that is something too large to fit through the "holes in the wall."  Each person has a certain size to their holes in their own wall.

To sum this all up, you were completely in the right side of your brain when carrying out this online "action" and if you were to actually encounter the same situation in real life where you would have to transfer everything to the practical left side of your brain, you would encounter your own "holey obstacle wall."  A lot of what you did in your right brain would have been too large to go through the holes.

I hope that this makes sense.

[flame]

Thankyou Radames...and yes, for the most part I did understand what you were saying...though I kinda got lost towards the end

 I think, for me, it was like a catharsis of my sadistic side...like someone gave me permission to let my nasty side out and take the role of rejector onboard and made it seem like it would help him if I did...which, even though it felt bad at first...terrible actually...I realise now that I quickly went into my head or somewhere where I couldn't feel or didn't register my feelings, which I know isn't healthy and a very real danger of the internet, as it can act like a buffer to emotions. I have had pretty negative feelings towards most males for a while as a result of enduring a sexual assault, and the way my father treated me shortly after that (physically violent and rejecting...ie kicked me out and I had to stay in a DV refuge and basically blamed me for the assault), but have not been able to really express it... I'm aware that we all have this "dark side", which another woman afterwards reassured me that I didn't need to feel messed up about it, that it was only role play, and I, like most people interested in living civilized lives, keep these parts of me kept tucked away!
 I can see now that this is something best done in a safer environment with a trusted counsellor or therapist...I just didn't really take it too seriously at the time...he posted the thread in the "fun and recreation" category on the forum!

pyro: Since this happened, he has been giving pretty sincere sounding compliments, not sexually related, but rather mentioning that he enjoys reading what I have to say etc. He lives in Montana...so it's not like we are getting involved or anything...but he did say that it did trigger certain things for him...though it was more one comment said by a man which was subtly mocking that really caused him to be triggered than all of the direct and rather extreme (and very creative) insults I was slinging! But it's not like I meant any of it...and he knew it ( I think) I was just making up all this stuff like saying I'd rather kiss a rabid dog with a missing leg than have to endure his foul stench...and other slightly comical insults. It wasn't that serious...to me...and he was encouraging it and even complimenting me on my skills At one stage though it did escalate to a pretty brutal stage...which only made him more gleeful I was just acting, like I'd taken on this role of a cruel despot.

 Just to clarify...apart from one or two males who basically told him he was a selfish, attention-seeking prick (to which he retorted that yes he was but he didn't see anything wrong with that) I was the only other person who participated in his "healing exercise". Everyone else refused to but offered feedback instead that he has intimacy issues and needs to work on that instead...to which he denied, and turned it into further fodder to flirt even more with all of us.
 All the women have kind of been whipped up inro a frenzy by him, and seem to be competing for his attention, since this happened, which I haven't been participating in at all...but now it feels like we are close?? I'm a bit spun out by it actually.
 I've been so careful to not dump any of my stuff onto anyone since I went through all that stuff years ago...and suddenly this person was inviting me to...so I did!
 I'm obviously pretty screwed up to have done it, but I guess the fact that I did choose to and even had a laugh at one stage...I mustn't have been too on the ball.
 Before all this happened to me, I was fully aware of all these sort of unhealthy dynamics that come with people who have had abusive pasts and know about how some people equate that with love...that was before I'd been through my own abusive past (My childhood wasn't marked by abuse...that all came after I finished school strangely enough)...it's just that yesterday, I didn't seem to see it for what it was, and just went with it!

 I woke up crying this morning and was sick for most of the day, though I didn't quite know why? It's been a pretty full on week...personal health issues cropping up and missing my mother, training really hard in the MA I do...I felt pretty lost today. I am seeing my counsellor this friday, so I will be able to discuss it further with her...and in the meantime, I will do my best to not go to this forum...at least for a good while...as it's kind of addictive.

 Thanks for all your good and helpful replies...I know it was a pretty heavy one, so thanks for helping me with this fellas.