Author Topic: I know others perceive me as cold and harsh in class... ESFP here  (Read 1357 times)


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I hope you will read and give whatever, related, input, because my ears are strutting.

I'm constantly developing of course, but I just realized today that I am really an asshole sometimes. I don't have problems with self-acceptance, negative etiquetting or internal monologs or selfworth at all. I really like my core being. The problem is just that I got into this civil argument today, and I have no problems with arguments, but some words flew right out of me before thinking them through. For example I, to my later regret, called my groupmembers in school for incompetent. I didn't mean that they were incompetent, I meant that our product, the result of us 4 working together, was incompetent. And by incompetent, I mean simply just not good enough.

I'm an ESFP, not a noisy type, but a calm, talkative type who loves people and interacts alot with people and my surroundings. I know I'm perceived as  cold and harsh, and I want my behaviour to change.

The problem is that I don't fully understand how my words will be perceived by the counterpart. I don't go around calling others asshole, cursing or badmouthing others(Except this one argument, where I called my groupmembers for incompetent  ;) ). But I do not have the understanding or realization of what effect my words will have on others.

I can't give more, concrete examples, but I just haven't got many, very good friends in my class.

How can I learn to predict in what way my words will be perceived, so I can either shut up or change my wording?

Thanks for any input :).


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Re: I know others perceive me as cold and harsh in class... ESFP here
« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2008, 10:27:39 AM »
Sometimes people learn when they become the victim of similar actions.

So you may understand if someone calls you "incompetant", or something similar.

It may be harder for you if you feel you are very confident with yourself which means even if someone did call you incompetant, it wouldn't effect you -- which causes you to not understand how your words may be perceived by others.

Some people are the types where they like to let people know their opinions of them. Sometimes people need to know, sometimes they don't.

What would be a more constructive way of letting them be aware of incompetance? The word incompetant may have been a one word summary for a lot  of thoughts you had swirling in your head and wanted to get your point made as fast as possible, which is understandable.

I remember you from before, and it seems you have officially evolved into an extrovert (only evidence being Myers Briggs, but things change over time).

Instead of pointing out the individual, include yourself in the criticism and try something like "WE need to get a better product." That's an overly simplified example but the point is don't single out other people, that is one way of looking at it. Hope that helps.
« Last Edit: January 31, 2008, 10:39:17 AM by Orion »


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Re: I know others perceive me as cold and harsh in class... ESFP here
« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2008, 11:01:23 AM »
 For me it is only with a very exclusive group of people where I am able to act extremely extroverted, such as, my family and maybe only two other people in my life.  Otherwise, if I try to act outgoing, I will be hanging on every reaction, every variation of tone in the voice, every facial expression, and every minute detail of body language.  If any of these prove to me that this person is embarrassed with me, or ridiculing me, they are “black-balled” forever with me (unless they are family with whom I have a higher tolerance for this behavior, or cope with it more understandingly). 


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Re: I know others perceive me as cold and harsh in class... ESFP here
« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2008, 11:58:06 AM »
My plan for now: Every time I want to say something, I ponder my mind and assess whether it will affect anyone negatively, and if there is even a slight chance, I just keep my mouth closed.

Heck, I may not be saying much the next couple days hehe, but that's how it works.